Breaking Free

2010-07-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

To any and all that are interested--I have moved over to wordpress. New blog. New direction. Hopefully a new and more God-oriented focus. Same name. See ya there. www.breakingfreefromthesechains.wordpress.com

Other People can be Triggered too...

2009-07-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

Evening girls (and a guy apparently). I'm taking a much needed break from some particularly EEE-VILL homework to clear my head. I really wish I could just dump my head upside down like a wastebasket and empty out all of the clutter and trash and nonsense and start over again. Sometimes I get so bogged down with all of my thoughts. Crazy-ness.

Anyways, I wanted to share something that happened to me earlier in the week. It was really enlightening and opened my eyes.

So one day during work I was eating lunch with one of my coworkers, S. We were talking about random things like we usually do and then suddenly the conversation turned towards food. My coworker is always telling me about how she loves to experiment in the kitchen and prepare her own meals. She's even made pot pies WITH THE CRUST from scratch!! ENVY!!! Well, somehow the topic shifted to my other coworker, A. Now, I don't really like to insult people so I'll just say that my other coworker is of a bigger build than I am and she doesn't exactly eat the healthiest meals. The convo went something like this:

S: Have you ever seen how MUCH A eats!
Me: I know she practically eats nothing except candy and soda for lunch.
S: (confused look) No, dude she brings like 2 or 3 different lunches. Sometimes she even shares one with me if I forget mine.
Me: Really? She never eats that much when I work with her.
S: Well....um....I think that's because she's kind of....intimidated by you.
Me: You mean because I'm skinny?
S: Well, yeah. I mean she doesn't really want to eat that much around you because you're so skinny.
Me: Really??
S: Yeah, I mean I struggled with it too when I started working with you. At first I didn't want to eat because I felt bad, but then I was just like "SCREW IT!" I'll eat what I want. And I got over it.
Me: Oh. Yea. Um. Well I get that way too around whenever I eat around other skinny girls, I'll judge what I eat. (I really wish I had been more sensitive with the word skinny. I didn't mean at all to imply or draw attention to the fact that my coworkers aren't...um...of a smaller build).
S: (laughs).

Wow. I can't even tell you how shocked I was. It really makes me sad to hear that my appearance alone can TRIGGER my coworker to want to eat less and want to be thinner. I had no idea that I was having this affect on her. I so desperately want to tell S and A the truth, but I just can't bring myself to.

Girls, this is a huge example of just how triggering our appearances and eating disorders can be to others. We (and I) really need to watch how we dress and what we eat around others because you never know who might be watching.

On a side note--I'm still feeling major confused about the whole eating disorder thing. I swear there are some days when I feel like it never even existed or like I don't even have a problem with it anymore. I would REALLY appreciate some feedback, experiences, comfort, and prayers if you have any. Thanks.

Mmmkay. Well I'd best be gettin myself off to bed. I've racked up WAAAY too much sleep debt this week and I have a therapy sesh tomorrow.

Love and hugs!

Haitus

2009-07-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

Hey guys I'm back again. So after taking a much needed hiatus I finally got some things figured out. For a while I was feeling really confused about my eating disorder and kept going back and forth about whether I still had one or not. Some days I knew I still had my eating disorder, and other days I felt like I didn't. It was very confusing and really messed with my head for a while. I think part of it was due to reading blogs and reading about how people talk about their eating disorders. I think that because I started thinking about my eating disorder as a separate being (i.e. ED says), it just confused me and made feel like I was still trying to have one. I've never thought about my eating disorder as a separate being before. I've always just kind of meshed it with my own behaviors and considered it apart of me. So when I started thinking differently I just got confused. I mean really, c'mon, if you know that someone is telling you lies and is controlling you, wouldn't it make sense to just RUN AWAY as fast as you can, instead of obeying them? So, that's why I was feeling so confused.
Anyways. A BUNCH of stuff has been going on lately. Here's a little recap.

Finally found a good therapist. I've been seeing this gal for about 2 months now and I really like her. She is easy to talk to, friendly, and totally understands where I'm coming from. Best of all, I really like how I can tell her anything (no matter how weird or abnormal it seems) and she won't freak out. In fact, a lot of the stuff that I've told her she says she's heard it all before. So great. I really like her.
My brother shipped out for bootcamp in the Navy. It was really sad seeing him go and knowing that he is not going to be back home for....well...pretty much forever. My brother and I were always really close and are only 18 months apart. He's a really great guy and has been like a best friend to me. I can pretty much talk to him about anything. I really miss him. And he's gotten pretty handsome too, so ladies....if you're lookin...;).
I am a highway-driving babe!! Oh yea, all of these therapist appointments have really pushed me to start driving longer distances more often and overcome my fear of the dreaded 3 lane road...dundundun!!!! Before I was so terrified of the highway but now I LOVE IT!! I love the freedom of the open road, the wind in my hair, the thrilling high speeds, and just the ability to navigate my way, get there, and get back home. So fun!
Changed career paths. This was actually kind of sudden. For a while I thought that I wanted to be a psychologist, but after taking a PSYCH 102 class this summer I realized that psychology--not the way to go. If you don't already know, I want to work with girls who have eating disorders and help them overcome their fears and learn to accept and love themselves. Psychology is mostly about research and conducting experiments and figuring out how our brain works. BLEGH!!! Well, I don't want to diagnose the problem, I want to help fix it!! So, I talked to my therapist about it and she told me that I should instead major in social work. So now that's gonna be my major!! I'm so glad I another piece of my career life figured out!!! Woohoo!!! Plus I won't have to be in school for another 7 years!! Bonus!!!

Well, that's about all I have to say for now. I'll just leave you with some pics of things that I drooled over whilst shopping. I so wish I could afford this stuff. I need more money...eh...

I NEEEEEEEEED it. Tar-jay you are my love...

Have a good night girls!!

It's Called RECOVERY

2009-05-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

I'll be completely honest: I've been avoiding blogging. On purpose. You see, lately whenever I have been reading blogs and stuff I've been feeling really triggered. But this is a different kind of trigger. Instead of being triggered to cut back on meals and over exercise and whatnot I've been feeling like I should be anorexic again. And being triggered into going backwards as opposed to being triggered into wanting to be anorexic again are two entirely different things.

You still with me? It's a little confusing I know. Anyways. Well I know that this is wrong--that it's wrong to want to be anorexic and it's wrong to try to be anorexic so I've been avoiding blogging just to give my thoughts some space and work things out. I don't want to go backwards. I have made great gains in my recovery along the way. But what is really confusing me right now is not really remembering what it was like to live as an anorexic. Oh don't get me wrong, I remember EVERYTHING. But now it just seems as if that world and that person that I once was and the person I have become now--a little bit more confident, a little bit more powerful, and a little bit more at ease with food--are two completely separate things. You see, I don't really act or think as much like an anorexic as I used to and I think because my mindset has changed, I am becoming scared and therefore wanting to return back to anorexia. Again, I don't want to return to the starving, deprived, hollow shell of a being that I once was who was scared to death to eat a stupid piece of bread and who obsessively counted every last calorie that went into my mouth, but to anorexia. The disorder itself. Why? I think it's because anorexia has my identity for so long that I am scared to leave it all behind.

This is a very dangerous trigger. I can't allow myself to be consume by this disease. Scratch that. I WON'T!

But this is hard for me because of how differently I think now. Lately I have been wondering if perhaps I'm going crazy because I feel as if I have forgotten what it was like to be anorexic. But, I don't think I'm having trouble remembering what my anorexic days were like. Rather, I'm having trouble remembering what my mindset was back then because I no longer have that old mindset.

This is very scary. To not be afraid of food? Preposterous!

Those of you who have been following my blog for a while are probably in a world of confusion right now. You're probably thinking, "What in tarnation is this girl saying??!! She's been writing about how terrified she is of processed foods, and nighttime snacks and sugar for the past 3 months! How dare she even imply that she is recovered!"

Well, hold on right there okay? To give you a brief background I have been battling my eating disorder for about 5 years, and have been through 3 real relapses. I started my blogging in the midst of my 4th nonreal relapse. I say nonreal because I wasn't really going backward out of the controlling power of my eating disorder, but rather I wanted to go backward. Why? Because I was getting better, forgetting my old ways, and losing my eating disorder.

Which brings me to the present. I'm getting better. I'm getting A LOT better. Food is not a huge issue for me anymore.

I can add little insignificant things to my meals without fretting (mostly) over the extra calories energy.

I plan my meals according to what I want.

I consciously choose NOT to restrict meals whenever my mood is down.

I can eat past the hour and I can eat a FULL meal!

I eat a nighttime snack (small but still...it's something!)

If I mess up one day, I wake up the next morning and just start over and do what I need to do.

I'm no longer afraid of sodium in foods!

BUT the biggest gain in recovery [pun intended:)] that I realized I have made this year is this: I don't use my food scale anymore!!

That's right! This girl right here used to be obsessed with measuring out her food. Tofu, Chicken, Avocado, Tuna, Fish. I measured it all, meticulously and painstakingly, sometimes even redoing it 2 or 3 times just to make sure I wasn't getting too much. But all that has stopped. I'm so proud of myself I just want to explode (into confetti, and pretty ribbons, and glitter and perfume and pinkness of course). Somewhere, somehow along the way I learned how to eyeball my food and I've just been slicing and dicing without worrying if it's a uniform size or not (okay sometimes I still worry, but for the most part I can just go with it).

Ya. This alone is HUGE for me.

You what else has improved? My body image.

This alone is quite bizarre. Remember when I said that I am starting to see the real me more often? Well one day the disordered mirror just shattered, revealing the ugly truth. I can see me almost EVERY DAY now. It's seriously like the wool has been torn from my eyes. I can see how thin I am, I can see the smallness of my wrists and the smallness of my legs, and especially the smallness of my arms. And it scares me. It scares me so much that some days I want to hide my body because I know that my appearance could be very triggering to other girls. I look at pictures of myself when I was 3 pounds away from my maintainance weight (which I never reached) and pictures of me now (almost half that weight), and I am completely disgusted. My face looks gaunt and drawn, my eyes are sunken in, and the tendons surrounding my jaw when I smile are not attractive in the least. And I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend? Anorexia is not that pretty.

Sometimes when I walk past a store window and I see my reflection I recoil in shock. The image I see is always of a very tall thin girl, with very thin legs. Always. I can't believe that I allowed myself to be this thin again or even that I wanted to be this thin again (sorry if it's triggering). It's terrifying.

I wish I had the answer but to be completely honest, I don't know how or why this happened. Suddenly I am able to see myself clearly, without distortion. It's very liberating though and very helpful in terms of gaining weight. Remember before when I said that I felt like my body had changed and I was afraid of gaining excess weight? Well, I don't really know if the body I saw then was really there or not, but all I know is that ever since I got back on my meal planning, my body changed back to the way it was before. So I think that because I was intentionally starving myself, like a yo-yo diet my body just decided to store excess weight to keep it from completely shutting down. But once I started nourishing myself again properly, my body changed back. And now? I'm not that afraid anymore of gaining excess weight. I can see the true image.

But what is scaring me the most is how my mindset has changed. I started noticing it a bit last year at the Easter Buffet and in bits and spurts since then. Lately, whenever I have been sitting down with my family to eat dinner or when I have been around certain foods, I've been err...craving "unsafe" foods. Instead of thinking, "Ewww...that's so disgusting and loaded with crap and it's going to make me fat!" I've been thinking more along the lines of "Man that looks good! I want some of that!" These thoughts have been scaring the CRAP out of me. This is not who I am! This is not who I have made myself to be or who I have become along the way!! Why am I thinking like this? I must be going crazy!!

And I seriously have been thinking that I am really and truly just losing it. How can someone's mindset just completely change? Why would I want to eat foods previously deemed evil?? To even think about processed foods is immoral!
I think the answer is this: I am not supposed to be that person. As I am slowly hacking away at every chain that the eating disorder has wrapped me in, I am returning to my old ways, to the girl I was before my eating disorder. Before anorexia I wasn't afraid of having a little bit extra. I wasn't afraid of eating pizza, cookies, ice cream, or cake. I wasn't afraid of food. And I think slowly, bit by bit, as scary as this seems, I am returning to THAT GIRL.

And now that the fear is slowly beginning to melt away I know I need to take the next step. I need to really push myself and eat outside of my comfort. Right now I am just holding myself where I have been, not daring to branch out. Mostly I am scared of binging and not being able to stop, insensitive comments from others (see previous post), and losing control of my weight. I know that this is what God is challenging me to do right now. I am just scared of doing it.

I am so incredibly thankful

So why the sudden change? Am I just going mad and completely forgetting everything? Why aren't I feeling afraid of food? Why can I see myself clearly now?

I think all of these burning questions can be summed up in one final answer.

It's called RECOVERY.

I just have to say that I am so incredibly thankful and in awe that God is working in me (despite me being...well...me) and is really opening my eyes. Thank You Father God. You are beyond amazing. I love You so much.

Struggles and Strides

2009-04-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

Hi girls!! I thought it was high time I do a post again so....here I am!!

First of all I just wanted to thank those of you who actually stuck it out and read my Easter recap post. I know it was a lot to read. I have a really bad habit about doing that...always have. Seriously like ever since I can remember I would always right like 8 pages for an assignment (not even exaggerating) when we were only supposed to do 5. But ever since my eating disorder destroyed my brain I haven't really been able to write as much...until recently. I guess that means I'm getting better (!)

what to talk about....hm....what to talk about....

These past couple of days have been kind of a struggle for me eating wise. I knew exactly when it started happening too. It was last week and I was finishing up my evening snack. It was really delicious too and I enjoyed it. But after I ate it I started feeling guilty that I was eating too much at night and that I shouldn't be doing that. I also felt like my mom was judging what I ate, and felt like she was thinking that I ate a lot.

I don't know if this is just me but it really bothers me. I hate it when people watch what I eat. I always feel guilty when others see me eat because I either still feel like it's wrong or I do not want people assuming that my eating disorder is gone. Craziness...

I feel like my mom especially is always judging what I eat and only cares about the eating. I always feel like her eyes are on me, watching me. And she does!! She always looks at what I have out for breakfast or what I'm eating for lunch or when I get an evening snack. And if I don't eat what she thinks I should eat or when I should be eating she gets all nervous and and points it out later. It really BUGS ME!! I always feel so nervous eating around her because I'm sure she is judging me. So whenever I get myself a snack that may look big to her (like 2 pieces of toast with PB as opposed to a bowl of cereal) I feel like she first judges the amount that I'm eating and then gets all smug and satisfied when it looks like I'm eating a lot.

I know that she means well and she just wants me to gain weight and be healthy again and enjoy life and live and laugh and love again. And I love that she wants that for me and I am so glad that she cares about me that deeply. AND I desperately, dearly love her with all my heart.

My family is kind of the same way too. Let's say that I eat a pudding or something or something with honey or something sweet-ish looking, like French Toast. Well immediately everybody chimes in with "I didn't know you liked that" or "Raina's got a sweet tooth," and it just makes me feel guilty and angry. So most of the time I feel like I CAN'T eat sweet things without everyone judging me and saying these things.

But why? Why is this so DARN important?

Honestly?

I think it's because I don't WANT to look NORMAL in their eyes. I guess I just WANT to stay DIFFERENT AND I DON'T WANT TO LET GO OF MY EATING DISORDER YET.

Why?

Hell if I know.

Other times I think I'm still holding on to my eating disorder (in some regards) because I just want to spite them. Stupid me...

BUT this is not at ALL how my eating disorder started!! This anxiety over people seeing me eat just kind of developed after treatment because of some issues. Issues being anger, unforgiveness, and emotional baggage.

So anyways....long rant over...there's a lot more history behind it too. For instance my dad has diabetes so I feel like it's bad to like sugary things, and I feel like my family always equates sweet things with...err....weight gain on my part.

The other part of my struggle this week has been because of a change in my schedule and I get really uncomfortable when I have to cram in my meals in a short amount of time. Plus I have been restricting my sleep, A BAAAAAADDD habit I developed after treatment, which always makes everything seem a million times worse. So that has definitely set me back. But I have been feeling better lately--SLEEP HELPS--and am getting back up to where I need to be. And the best part?

I DON'T WANT TO KEEP GOING BACKWARDS. THIS IS TWICE NOW THAT I'VE HAD A SORT OF "SET BACK" IN THE LAST 2 TO 3 MONTHS. I HAVE SEEN HOW POWERFUL AND CONSUMING MY EATING DISORDER IS AND I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO SUCH A LOW POINT EVER AGAIN!!! I KNOW I NEED TO PUSH MYSELF AND EAT MORE AND I WANT TO GET BETTER!!!

Sose how abouts I do a posties now about my eats, eh? I haven't done that in a while. And, to make it even more fun, how about I write some of it in Italiano!!

THE EATS

Yesterday's Eats

Il Colazzione
Oatbran cooked in Plain soymilk with a dash of cinnamon and 1/2c of pumpkin. I also had an apple to nosh on to my hearts content on tha side.

La Merenda uno
2 Shredded Biscuits with a whole sliced bananannananana and some almonds in almond milk. After snack I went to the GYM (insert manly grunt here...that's how I read it) to get my workout on. I always eat a banana now before I work out because I feel like it gives me so much energy. It's a NECESSITY!!

Il Pranzo
My favorite baked tofu sandwich on bread with some hummus and tomato paste. Seriously delish!! I also added some spices to the tofu like paprika and tummeric, and when it was all put together on the sandwich it tasted kind of like I remember a burger with ketchup and mustard tasting. Yumm.....And then I had some veggies (love), a kiwi, and some wheat germ mixed into a Rachel's black cherry currant yogurt. I am so proud for challenging myself with eating a kiwi!! instead of an apple. I used to always feel like I needed to eat a hard, crunchy fruit or else I wouldn't feel full enough, but this is not SO!!

Also, yesterday was the first day I started getting back on my meal plan again. I was actually feeling pretty confident so I just went for it. Yea me!!

La Merenda due
TLC Trail Mix Bar (my new favorite kind!) and an almond milk

La Cena
YUMMMAY!!
Il pesce con la polenta e le verdure e la frutta.
Fish with polenta and vegetable and fruit.
I also mixed in hummus with the polenta to make it creamy and added some sunflower seeds. Polenta is my new FAVORITO AMOR! The hummus made it really good and reminded me greatly of mashed potatoes.

La Meranda tre
Frozen yogurt with frozen strawberries. This actually made me feel quite sick but I sucked it up and ate it anyway.

Today's Eats
Brekkie
Oatbran cooked in soymilk with cinnamon. When it was done I added a tablespoon of PB, and had a rice cake and an apple to go with it.

La Merenda
Hummus and Avocado Sandwich and some sliced peppers and a kiwi. I was supposed to also have a Fage with 1/4c of oats and some Fig jelly mixed in, but when I tasted the yogurt it was lukewarm and I was too worried about EVIL BACTERIA so I nixed it. BUT I knew I needed me some protein so I dashed on over to the store and bought a Honey Oikos. SO GOOD AND SO CREAMY AND COLD!! I will do a review later.

Snackie
Almond milk, applesauce, and an Apple Larabar.

Dinner

Randomosity. Veggie Burger with 3 oz of Tofu, and about 1/3c of Chickpeas. I also have some much loved veggies and an apple.

Snack for tonight
Probably my fav!! Cocoa powder mixed into a Lemon Cascade Yogurt, with some dried figs on the side. I'm SYKED to try the figs because they are Black Mission and I have only tried another kind before.

I just might challenge my stupid self tonight by eating some type of grain and satiety in FRONT OF MY MOTHER!!

SCREW THIS DISORDERED THINKING!!

Have a good night girls!

Love and hugs!

NOTE: Part of the reason why I posted today was because I needed to distract myself from wanting to exercise. Also, I did NOT restrict my morning snack today. I just don't have time to eat it b/t class so I usually make up for it with a bigger nighttime snack.

Edited to add: Tonight's snack was a Strawberry Yogurt--we were out of lemon :(--with some millet puffs, wheat germ, and 12 almonds. I also snacked on some lettuce and 2 delicioso figs. I eat veggies like a fiend, and I do not care to "count" them :)

Easter Recap

2009-04-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

WARNING!! THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING SO HEED IT NOW!! IF YOU DISLIKE READING STORIES AND LONG LENGTHY POSTS AND INSPIRING REVELATIONS AND POSSIBLE REFERENCES TO THE INCREDIBLY HOT ROBERT PATTISON PLEASE LEAVE NOW!! YA'LL KNOW I LIKE TO WRITE A LOT AND TONIGHT I AM JUST BURSTING WITH THINGS TO TALK ABOUT!!

you have been warned...

It's raiiiiiining it's poooooouuuuurrrrring, the olllllld man is snooooorrrrring.

Yes, that's right. It's absolutely raining BUCKETS over here where I live. I haven't seen this much rain in a loooong time....it kinda reminds me of Forks from Twilight. Too bad there's no Robert Pattison in these parts though:)

So I hope that everyone had a wonderful Easter!! I just love celebrating this holiday with my family, having fun dying easter eggs, and waking up to an easter basket full of goodies. Before my eating disorder, my family would always celebrate by going to church and then heading out to a fancy shmancy breakfast buffet. I used to love the buffet!! It meant that I had a whole plethora of tasty, yummy and delicous food to choose from and I could fill my plate to my heart's content. I remember indulging in some of my favorite foods--fresh shrimp, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, FRUIT GALORE!! And of course I would always save a little room for a slice or of cheesecake. What I love most about these memories is not the delicious foods that I would hungrily devour, but rather how comfortable and at ease I felt around food. Never once was I afraid to go back for maybe a second piece of pie when I was a kid. No way!! I allowed myself to eat what I wanted and enjoyed what I ate and didn't spend the entire day fretting about every last calorie that I put into my mouth. What's more I actually LOOKED FORWARD to special outtings like this--they only came once a year!

Unfortunately....sorry to be a debressing Debby....but my Easter was a far cry from the carefree, happy days of my childhood.

Actually, to be quite honest, it was pretty horrible.

From the moment I swung my feet out of bed I serioulsy felt like someone was out to get me. I had been having mixed feelings about this day all week. Some days I was excited about Easter because it meant that I would have a chance to challenge myself at the buffet, while others I was just plain nervous about the whole event. Easter morning I was still feeling a little anxious but I was determined to approach it with a positive mindset. To be honest I wasn't all that worried about the food sitch but was more worried about getting in enough exercise. Stupid eating disorder....

After getting ready I was still a little bit anxious so I said a little prayer asking God to give me strength, and trust for today and most importantly to keep my eyes on Him because this day should not be about me! Then I headed downstairs, happy and confident and fixed myself a delicious bowl of i cereali.

Oatbran+PB+Strawberry Yogurt=love in my book. So yummy....

Although this may look like a normal breakfast I was actually extremely proud of myself. You see, in the past when I've known about holiday outtings I would start restricting right away with breakfast because I knew that my routine would be interrupted and I didn't want to eat too much. But on Easter morning I was feeling good and WANTED to treat my body right. This is a HUGE step in recovery for me.

Well, dum de dum dum, everything was going great and I was eating a super yummy brekkie and doing some crosswords and havin' a good ole time. I finished eating and got up to put my dishes in the sink when--KERBLAM!!

Life happened.

Before I knew what was happening my beloved breakfast bowl slipped from my clumsy fingers into the sink, instantly chipping the bowl's lip. I was beyond devasted. It wasn't even fair!! The bowl had barely even been dropped more than a few centimeters but had still somehow managed to hit the sink at such an acute angle that it chipped. It was my absolute favorite bowl ever, deep enough to hold a decent amount of cereal and painted with cheery pink and red Valentine hearts. There was no way to replace it. Immediately tears sprang to my eyes....and my day went
d
o
w
n
h
i
l
l
from there.

Before church I decided to go on a walk to relax, destress, and err.... exercise. The walk was pleasant and I found myself able to get over the incident from this morning. I like walks. Walks are fun. So once again I was bouncing along and feeling good and even started to perk up a little. BUT THEN... Suddenly as I neared the corner to my house, I spotted some ominous looking black clouds looming in the sky. Cue possible thunderstorms, and sinister rainfall. This could not be good.

Church
Church was amazing. They did an extremely inspirtational skit called carboard testimonies. Basically a group of people would come forward one by one and hold up a sign to the crowd. On the sign would be a description of a trial that had destroyed their lives. Then they would flip it over to reveal how God had helped them through that trial and how their lives have been changed.

I couldn't help but think about my own story during this. God has really blessed my life in incredible ways and has conquered numerous battles for me. He helped me to reconcile with my past and is teaching me daily how to walk and trust in Him. I may not always I say that I am striving

I would not be here today if not for His love.

He saved me from death, literally.

My carboard testimony would read something like this:

Consumed and controlled by anorexia--Learning to trust God with all of my life

What would your cardboard testimony say?

BACK TO EASTER

After church we drove downtown to meet my relatives. The drive is about forty-five minutes to an hour long. By this time all feelings of happiness had pretty much dissipated and the eating disordered thoughts started to kick in again. (TRIGGER WARNING) Ever since I developed an obsessive addiction to exercise (gee thanks ed) I absolutely HATE sitting for long periods of time! I always feel so lazy and immobile and idle and I feel the urge to start moving around. So this was a very tough trip for me. For a while I contented my anxiety by fidgeting around but then eventually just decided to sleep to relax my mind. I swear though I was even fidgeting sub-consciously in my sleep I was so uneasy. Eventually I drifted off though. When we got down there my parents started talking about perusing the mall until it was time to meet up for lunch. I felt a little better knowing that I would get to walk around for a little bit. But then my dad suggested that we go see his family. That made me even more worried because I knew that I would just be sitting more. Sigh.....

We ended up spending our Easter holiday with my family at the Country Buffet. Like I said before, I wasn't all that worried about the food. Actually, last Easter I had made great strides and conquered my fear of buffet eating by branching out and eating more than just the standard plate of salad and various fruits. Last year I challenged myself by adding in about a 1/2c of peas and 1/4c of chickpeas and a spoonful of sunflower seeds so I could get in a little bit of grains, protein, and satieties. I was actually pretty dern proud of myself for being able to do that.

So this year I did about the same thing except I just had some peas because I was feeling super anxious about sitting all day. I also had some about some fruit. I love fruit!! For the most part the eating went okay. My dad actually told me later that he was really proud of me because I looked and acted comfortable with the eating even though I wasn't even eating a substantial meal.

What was hard was that my relatives kept looking at me and making comments about my eating behavior. They know that I have an eating disorder but they really just don't get it. One of my aunts even started grilling me about how my recovery was doing asking me all sorts of weird questions. She really wants me to go traveling with her and my grandma but says I can't until I've got the eating thing sorted out. She said that I'll have to be okay with eating out most of the time and I can't bring anything like a scale because it'll be too heavy. I almost had to surpress a laugh with that comment because it was so bizarre. I mean it really showed me how ignorant and uneducated she is about eating disorders. A scale....haha....that's funny. Unless she was talking about a food scale which I used religiously last year. Now though I am proud to say that I barely even pull it out except to measure out my tuna fish. PROGRESS!!!!

Anyways...the meal left me feeling more defeated and like a failure than anything because I didn't try to push myself outside of my comfort zone. By the time we arrived back home at 4:00 I just wanted to cry. It was still raining outside and I was STARVING and anxious and twitchy and felt horrible because I couldn't exercise. I knew I would go out of my mind if I stayed at home just sitting around so I took the car and walked for about an hour up and down the aisles at the grocery store. UMMMM....CAN YOU SAY MAJOR EATING DISORDERLY BEHAVIOR!!

Yea...unfortunately when I got back home I wasn't feeling any better so I decided to restrict and not eat anything.

BUT WAIT GIRLS!!!
My mom saw what was going on and came in to talk to me. We talked about my anxiety and my fears and my sadness at just an overall crappy day. I actually broke down and cried while I was talking to her because I was so worried about gaining weight and upset that I hadn't gotten PROPER exercise. The moment I started crying I began to feel better. It just felt so good to let everything out after keeping it in for the whole day. This is another huge accomplishment I have made in recovery: TALKING ABOUT MY EMOTIONS. After I cried she helped me come downstairs and prepare a modest dinner. I hate to admit it, but God gave her an incredible (albeit annoying to ED) gift at getting me to eat dinner when I have planned on restricting.

Dinner was a cooked tofu sandwich on bread with a bit of hummus and tomato paste. My FAV combo!! I also had an apple (love) with a side of veggies and a yogurt. And you know what? It felt good to eat and it helped me to calm down even more. Does anyone else ever find that when you honor your hunger signals and eat a decent meal, your feelings of anxiety slowly fade away? I do. I think that partly our crummy moods are connected to brain chemistry and blood sugar levels dipping when we starve ourselves.

Almost done girls I swear!!

Afterwards I was both emotionally and physically drained so I relaxed in front of the fireplace and watched TV with my family. Well everything was going good and fine and dandy until about 10:00. That's when the anxiety started creeping up again. I began worrying about the dinner I had eaten. I was convinced that for the little amount of exercise I had gotten would cause me to gain weight. Sitting all night after eating dinner didn't help my anxiety any more. Suddenly the stress of the day just overwhelmed me and I broke down crying hysterically in my room. It was not a pretty sight and it was probably one of the worst melt downs I have ever had over eating disorder related issues.

Eventually my parents heard me (crying like a baby I'm sure) and my dad came in to talk to me. It was kind of a personal conversation and he did his best. I still don't think that he fully understands the extent of my eating disorder and what it entails but I love him for trying to work with stubborn ole' me. Basically he tried telling me that fat was not a bad thing (disagree) and that I will not get fat, but he told me that I would grow at least a little bit bigger because I'm supposed to. And he told me that this is not a bad thing. Like I said, he tried. Well, by the time we were finished talking I was completely drained and went straight to bed. It was a LONG day.

Ironically the only good thing that happened on Easter was the Easter service itself. If I had just focused on the amazing message and testimonies of that day I could have handled the day a lot better. But instead I was just so focused on ME that the only thing I could think about was exercise and food.
I just want to clarify something on here real quick before I wrap up. I know that sometimes I may make a lot of references to God. That is because God has been a huge part of my recovery process and I want to continue having Him be a part of my recovery. But that is not to say that I do not have my faults. Oh contraire. I want you girls to know that in no way am I implying that I have a perfect relationship with God. In fact, nothing could be farther from the truth. Most days I am so consumed by my stupid eating disorder that I completely put God out of the picture. It's awful. I feel really shameful for doing this and I feel unworthy of His love because I still fall. On Easter I felt incredibly guilty for my selfish behavior. I should have been focusing on church, and I should have been focusing on praising and worshipping Him for His good works and His glory and His amazing power in my life. But I wasn't. But I am going to keep trying. I so desire to have that intense, personal relationship with Him and I love Him so much. And I post topics about God because of that love and my amazement in Him. But I am not a perfect Christian.

REVELATION TIME!!

Are you ready? This is pretty huge!!

When I woke up the next morning, I recalled the previous night and my worries about gaining weight. And I looked down at myself and stood in front of the mirror and even body checked but I found that I did NOT gain weight. In fact, I didn't even feel like I had gained weight, even though just a few hours ago I had been convinced that the sandwich I had eaten would make me gain.

Here was my revelation:
When we give in to our anxiety and obey our desires to restrict, we give the eating disorder power. Essentially by not eating we are confirming that we have prevented ourselves from gaining weight. The more we keep doing it, the more those beliefs are ingrained into our minds. And we never find out what's on the other side.
BUT when we defy your eating disorder and go against its wishes suddenly we are able to see the truth. It's like realizing that your best friend has been lying to you all of this time. Imagine the kind of power this could give us. If we know that our eating disorder is lying, and I mean really KNOW, then we can slowly begin to defeat those thoughts. It also helps us to overcome our fears when we realize that those fears are irrational and unfounded.

When I woke up that morning and realized that I had not gained weight, I felt incredible relief but also felt extremely silly. Here I had believed this whole time that one little sandwich was going to make me gain weight. But when I realized that it actually hadn't, it was as if the wool had been lifted from my eyes.

So? Go against your eating disorder. Deliberately do the opposite of what it tells you, and you will see the truth.
But you can't begin to see the truth if you don't at least try:)

Have a good night girls!!

Love and hugs!

I am MORE than Just a Pretty Face

2009-04-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

Hurray for spontaneous posting!!!

I am feeling a million times better than I have all week and I just feel like grinning from ear to ear! Thank you again gals for always welcoming me back. My schedule/eating disorder/ker-razy life is just so sporatic it's a wonder I ever get anything done. But I am feeling really good right now, craziness aside.

Yesterday, on the other hand, was one of THOSE days. My body image, my self esteem, my happiness was at such a low point that I felt like bursting into a million tears. I am going through kind of an awkward phase right now beauty-wise (I know, I sound so vain right) because of the horrible SQUARE-HAIR ordeal that happened to me earlier in the year. Basically I went to this new stylist because my old one just up and quit and received a VERY botched, short don't. It's grown out considerably now but the layers are still off and I have to grow out my bangs to get everything evened up again. This is extremely unnerving for me because I often feel worthless, ugly, and depressed when I don't look as good as I want to. On top of that I have also had to wear my glasses all this week until I can reorder my contacts, which just further adds to my low-esteem. So, all of these factors combined with the fact that I have to gain weight have made me really depressed.

But you know what?

I have realized just how UNHEALTHY this is. If I constantly base my self worth off of how I look or how I feel about my body each and every single day I am never EVER going to learn how to love and accept myself. Even if everybody tells me differently I will ALWAYS find some little flaw that I am unsatisfied with. I am my greatest critic. But I can't keep doing this!! Recovery is supposed to be about learning how to love myself for who God created me to be and to be content with what He has given me NO MATTER WHAT. Too often I find myself frowning in disgust at my image in the mirror and automatically thinking, "If I JUST had thinner thighs then I could be happy, or If my hair would JUST lie straight for once then I would feel good about myself, or If ONLY....(fill in the blanks)." The more and more I continue this type of negative the self talk the more I stay stuck, firmly held in the grasp of my eating disorder.

I think, in some twisted a way, that God is desperately trying to teach me this year how to be content. My hair used to be my pride and joy. It was once very shiny and healthy and luscious and I always sported the hippest, cutest trends. I had these great Euro-chic, eyebrow skimming bangs that I LOVED. They made me feel so confident and ATTRACTIVE, but guess what? Their purpose was to cover up a perceived flaw--my forehead and eyebrows--which I'm not so fond of. But then I got greedy and impatient and wanted to change up my style and before long, even though I HEARD that nagging voice telling me NOT TO CUT MY HAIR AGAIN, I ended up with a total nightmare-weed on my head! And I'm still living with the repercussions of my decision!!! So now I have to accept the consequences, live with my decision, and sit and w a i t.
And while I've been waiting I've had to put up with a lot of anxiety over my looks. There have been many days where I know my hair has not looked that great and I can't do anything about it (my hair is still too short to pull back into a ponytail) but just sit and live with it. It's has not been easy for me. In a way I have pretty much had to let go of my vanity entirely and learn to live my life knowing that I don't look as pretty. I have had to learn how to not base my self worth off of my looks. This is probably one of the HARDEST lessons I have ever had to learn and I am a bit embarrassed to say that I am STILL struggling.

And so, cleverly disguised as a simple, but horrendously bad haircut, I have discovered the next step in recovery for me. And that is to love ME, the whole package, every IOTA, all flaws included. This means that I can't always be striving after perfection. This means that I need to learn how to stop comparing myself to others. This means that I need to stop the constant body bashing. This means that I need to stop changing myself everytime I find something like I don't like. This means that I need to learn how to be happy even if I am not super skinny. The weight gain aspect of recovery has always been my greatest stressor because I worry that I will not be skinny when I reach goal weight.

Then I find myself thinking, well maybe I will still be skinny and then everything will okay and I won't have to worry. Let me propose something scary for a moment.....bare with me this could be triggering....what if I'm not skinny? What if I don't have the body that I WANT to have.

Why does my happiness have to be based on my weight all the time. Answer: It doesn't and it shouldn't. ONE of these days, so HELP ME GOD, I have got to learn how to love myself no MATTER what I look like.

My biggest challenge in this regard is going to be learning how to accept my HEALTHY goal weight. This is a weight that I have NEVER been satisfied with and I am terrified of reaching. Even though I know that I am not fat at this weight I still feel like I am. The last time I was near this weight was two years ago after being discharged from the hospital. I was only 2 POUNDS away from the final resting point (hehe, sounds like a cemetary) but I started freaking out and restricted all over again. But this time I can't. I need to learn how to accept and love that weight.

God has made me to be more than just a pretty face or a thin figure.
I need to find that person.

*NOTE* I really want to apologize to anyone if I triggered you towards the end here. Admittedly this is a very hard possibility for me to grasp because I am so body-conscious. But the bottom line is, THIN DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY OR WORTHINESS. You are all so much more than your faces or your bodies and that truth shines through in each and every one of your blog lives. I really pray that you can learn to embrace your true selves and love yourselves NO MATTER WHAT.

And don't think for a moment that this is easy for me. There are days when I just want to turn on my heel and run full speed in the WRONG direction. But I have made a commitment to stick to recovery and I am going to continue doing what is right for me. NO MATTER WHAT. And honestly, I don't think that God is going to punish me or anything with a body I am going to hate. I think that He is going to bless me and honor my faithfulness and obedience and give me the body that I NEED and that is GOOD and HEALTHY for me. And maybe it won't look like I want it to look but I think that by the time I get there I will have learned how to accept it.

I'm just posting little revelations that come to me, sometimes more for my good than anything else.

I was also not implying IN ANY WAY that anybody is going to get fat!! Please DO NOT THINK THAT!! I think we all know (deep down) the truth about that one. The main thing is, I know what my goal weight looks like and even though it is not fat, I still think I am. What I meant was, I know that God is going to teach me how to accept my HEALTHY GOAL weight, because I have never done that before.

Milestones

2009-04-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

Hello ladies!! I am realllllly sorry about my absence, but this time I'm not going to bother and make excuses about why I didn't post.
I think I'm just lazy.
And sitting down to write out a long post bothers me..... er.... my eating disorder. And most of the time I am in such a rush that I don't really give myself time to write responses to emails or anything. I just read them and then I'm off and before I know it a couple of days will have gone by and I will have completely forgotten about writing that person back.
Ughhhhhh.....I really need to work on this more.

ANYWAYS!
So I haven't forgotten about my promise to do a post on the conditioning topic. I have actually been thinking about it a lot and am working on putting it together. The more and more I think about it the more I realize just how many milestones I have conquered in recovery.

I am also writing (almost finished) a post about the history of my eating disorder because I think I am finally ready to share where I've been, what I've been through and how far I've come. Let me tell you I have come such a LOOOOONG way that there are days when I look back on past ED behaviors and can't help but be shocked that I used to live that way.

Here's an example of one of the milestones that I have conquered:

Yesterday when I was cleaning out my room I happened upon some nutrition bars (who will go unnamed because it might be triggering) that I had stashed away earlier in the year. On habit, I peeled back the label to read the nutritional information smugly thinking about how I would never dare to put such a thing in my mouth. But as my eyes scanned first the carbohydrate count, then the amount of sugar, then the ingredients list, then the fat grams, and finally the total number of calories, I didn't feel that familar surge of anxiety that I always get whenever I look at food. In fact, I actually felt okay with the bar sitting in my hands and the first thought that crossed my mind was, "Hey, I can eat this." Using one of my mental tools that I have acquired through recovery, I rationalized that the carbohydrate count would only count as 2 grains and that the sugars weren't really even that high. You know what else? The fat content didn't even bother me. Not one bit. And as I began to realize this, a slow smile spread across my face. Six months ago I would have been terrified of eating this exact bar even though it is a perfectly good thing to eat. But now I have no problem with eating it.

I AM SO AMAZED AT HOW FAR I'VE COME!!!

Never in a million years would I have thought that I could ever reach this stage.

God has blessed me immensely, and has carried me the whole way even when all others were certain that I wouldn't make it.

Countless times He has shown up in recovery, literally stunning me with His power.

He never ceases to amaze me.

No matter where this crazy ride is going to take me I am going to hold tight to Him the entire way, trusting in wherever He may lead me.

I would love to share with you some of the amazing things that He has done for me. They are really quite astounding. Please let me know if you'd like to hear about some of them!

I also had a chance to sample a new product yesterday!! A couple weeks ago a very sweet lady from Pom Wonderful sent me some free samples of their delicious 100% Pomegranate Juice!!

I was very excited about trying pomegranate for the first time but also very nervous because juice is one of my fear foods. But I wasn't going to back down so I decided that I would have to work up to it. Well after about a week of chilling in my fridge, I finally bit the bullet and poured myself a small glass.

And.....it was delicious!! The taste is very refreshing and tangy and reminds me a bit of tart cranberries but with a subtle hint of sweetness. Actually I think that it was kind of funny that I was scared to drink the juice. I don't know what I was thinking, that maybe it would suddenly lash out at me and bite me on the lip like some vicious snake? Haha.

It was really very delicious juice and I will definitely be drinking some again, possibly even this week. I'm still a bit scared of it though so I need to learn to combat this fear. Any suggestions?

Overall, I highly recommend that you all give pomegranate juice a try if you have never tasted it before. Plus, the nutritional and health benefits are O-MAY-ZING!

Thanks again Diana!

One more thing.

I just wanted to say that I have been praying for those of you who are struggling. I really hope that things get better for you and you are able to get back on your feet again stronger and fiercer in this battle.

Keep fighting girls!

Hope everyone has a good night!

Love and hugs!

EDITED TO ADD: The total adorable CCV or CCK is doing a really cool giveaway! Check out her blog here.

A Shameful Confession....

2009-03-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

Since not really in the mood to post anything serious or profound at the moment, I've decided to take the day off and dedicate this post to all things random and zany!

But before I begin I felt that I needed to share a very important secret of mine that I have been hiding from you girls for far too long. At first I thought it was very shameful and a tad bit overcompulsive. When I looked at how this behavior had affected my life I just wanted to hang my head in despair. Countless times I have tried breaking myself of this awful habit, but to no avail. It seems that no matter how far I try to run away and forever leave this wretched part of me behind, I just keep falling back into my old ways once again. But now, no more secrets. No more hiding. No more. It's time I confessed.

Please. No harsh judgments. This is hard enough for me already.

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I have an incurable addiction

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(waiting--cue elevator music).

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.(doop dee doop bop bop bow wow)

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CEREAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A HA!! GOTCHA THERE DIDN'T I?

Yes, it's true. I LOVE cereal!!

Amo i cereali!

(that's Italian!)

I inherited this bizarre trait from my dad who eats about as much cereal as I do.

Right now I have about 6 or 7 boxes (some opened, some unopened) in my panty. Shameful I know. But I never seem to have enough. Every time I go food shopping, no matter how much cereali I currently have, I always find myself browsing through the colorfully decorated, happy rectangular boxes, longing to try another. More often than not I'll pick up a box or two of a brand that I haven't tried yet, throw it into my little shopping basket, and make my way to the checkout counter.

I don't really know what it is that I love about cereal so much--I just do! Maybe it's the crunchiness of the grain, or the slightly sweet taste, or maybe it's just the overwhelming oatiness that wins my heart over everytime. Who knows :)

When I was just a wee lassie

(breaking out my Scottish roots--no I'm not really Scottish, but I can pretend right? right)

I would seriously eat like 2 or 3 bowls of cereal every day. Applejacks, Cookie Crisp, Quaker Squares, and then my favorite, Cocoa Pebbles!!! Gotta love those guys!

Even during the worst years battling my eating disorder I still found that I couldn't completely give up my love for cereal.

Of course back in the day I was more into the sugar-coated sweet stuff endorsed by creepy mascot characters (note--it's perfectly fine if you guys like these kinds of cereal. I still find myself missing my Cocoa Pebbles. I don't mean to trigger anyone here. And Tony the Tiger is perfectly okay too...just a little bit on the smiley side).

But now I have found that my palate has been refined and I prefer cereals with a little bit more bulk to keep me full.

You guys probably want to know what I have in my pantry now right?

Awwwwww. .....okay. Just let me go check.

Be back in a sec.....

(more elevator music)

OKAY!!

Are you ready?

*Quaker Oatbran (my love)

*Tub of Quick Cooking Quaker Oats

*Bob's Red Mill 5 Grain Oats

*Kashi Puffs

*Kashi Autumn Wheat

*Kashi GoLean! Crunch Granola

*Barbara's Bakery Cinnamon Puffins

*Barbara's Bakery Organic Wheetabix

*Barbara's Bakery Shredded Wheat (biscuits, not bite-size)

*Barbara's Bakery Shredded Oats (to replace my love for Quaker Oatmeal Squares aka my favorite childhood cereal)

*Nature's Path Ginger Zing Granola

*Perky's 100% Natural Nutty Rice Cereal (a dud in my opinion, the little grains all clump together in milk and just aren't filling. I think they'd be better for baking recipes).

*Cascadian Farm Organic Purely O's

Wow, I guess I have a lot more cereal than I thought!

And you know what? I still want to try more!!

Yes, I know I have a problem but I am okay with that.

Well, I hope you guys had a good laugh and were able to maybe reminisce a little and just unwind!

Love and hugs!

Curse you Blogger!! Curse you!!

2009-03-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!! I haven't left or anything! I just wanted to write really quickly to tell you that I HAD (emphasis) a really great awesome super amazing post that I wrote last night but when I went to post it AUUUUGUUUGHGHGHGHHH it got sucked up into the abyss of the blog universe! Never to be seen again. I'm still fuming....

So after many tears and woe is me stuff, I am painstakingly working on rewriting it. I will be posting it later on sometime this afternoon so then y'all can read it!

Hope everyone's day is going well!

Love and hugs!

The End to a LOOOOONG Week!

2009-03-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

Hello!!! Am I still accepted back into blogland? I feel like I have been gone for soooooo long!

Anyways this week (as per usual) has been one KER-RAZY ride!! I'll skip over the boring, monotonous details and just get right down to it!

First of all I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who wished me well on my mid-terms! That was so kind of y'all and I know that a lot of you can relate to the pressure. Let me just tell you that the studying really payed off. I actually learned things!! haha! Now I am semi-sorta fluent in Italian to the point where I can conjugate verbs pretty well and can understand about 75% of the words. I just can't write it....non leggo.

I think.

I also had a Sosh test that I think went pretty well. I probably could have done better on it but at least I survived. Ugh. It was a long day.

Let me tell you it really took a lot of effort and determination to get some of the studying done. Ever since I developed an ED I absolutely HATE studying because it usually involves a lot of sitting. Whenever I try to study I get all nervous and antsy and worried that I'm not moving around exercising. This is just another blaringly obvious point about how controlling an eating disorder can be over someone's life. Funny how before I had my ED I never had a problem with sitting down and studying, although procrastination was still my boyfriend...heehee. But in the end I was able to push myself and get a lot accomplished.

Anyways...

Lookie what finally came!! I was so super excited about receving my shipment!! I practically counted down the days until it arrived!

Aren't they beautiful? Twelves cases of purely decadent FAGE heaven!

I just wanted to say a huge thanks to the FAGE company! They are the most kind and caring people, and really genuinely care about the satisfaction of the customer. Their Authentic Greek FAGE yogurt is so rich and creamy and is free of additives, preservatives and expletives (heeehee). It's worth every last penny too! I seriously don't know how I ever survived all these years without it!

I'm going to be so sad when my stash is gone...tear.

Thank you again FAGE!

Moving on!

An increase in my meal plan

Yes, it's true. My dietician upped my meal plan AGAIN! Ugh. I hate this!! Right now it's not so much the fear of food that gets to me, it's more the volume. I can handle the eating, but sometimes I just get so overwhelmed having to eat more at each meal. I just feel like I always have to eat such large amounts. Although, right now I am extremely thankful because for some strange ODD reason I have not been getting full. I'M SERIOUS!! It's like my stomach has morphed into a bottomless pit! So it's very nice not feeling so bloated all of the time.

Next on the agenda

Conquering the fear of nighttime eating

I am very PROUD to announce that for about the past two weeks I have been eating a nighttime snack. I never thought I would ever reach this point again, because for so long I have been fearful about eating at night. I have this wear that if I eat anything substantial past a certain hour that I would spontaneously gain weight overnight. Eh heh heh. Not so.

I remember the first night that I ate my nighttime snack. It was PB Puffins (love) with warmed soymilk. The second I planned my snack, I anxiously worried about it the entire day. When the evening rolled around I was still flitting back and forth about whether I should eat it or not. I was also nervous about having my parents see me eat because I always feel that they get all smug inside whenever they see me eating outside of my normal meal plan. Really stupid. Well, finally I just bit the bullet and thought, "screw it!! Who cares if they see me eat! I know that I need to eat this and I know that it is good for me." Before I could change my mind I promptly marched downstairs, grabbed a spoon, a mug and the milk, made my snack and ate. And you know what? It was good and I enjoyed eating it! And pretty much ever since then I have been eating some kind of snack at night.

But I'm not going to lie and say that it has been easy. Oh no! Far from it! I still find myself getting really nervous about eating my nighttime snack no matter what it might be. Sometimes in the early morning I'll find myself becoming preoccupied about thinking of ways to avoid eating at night and even deciding to just skip it altogether. But usually by the time night rolls around I give myself that one good push and I end up eating it anyway, because I know that it is right for me. But there are days when I still have trouble.

On that note:

If there are any girls out there struggling with eating certain kinds of foods, I just wanted to share some advice. My next post is going to be about a process I call conditioning that has helped me to conquer numerous challenges in my eating disorder. No, it has nothing to do with the body, but it has everything to do with the mind.

Until then, I leave you with these totally adorable pictures of plates that I found at TAR-JAY!!

Yeah, I pretty much NEED that octopus!!

Love and hugs!

Help I'm Being Buried Alive by My Homework!

2009-03-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

Ello world and all who inhabit it!! [can ya'll guess where I got that from? :) ]
Sorry I've been away for so long! I have some HUGEEMONGASEOUS midterms coming up this week and I really really REALLY need to devote as much time as possible in studying.
Cuz I'm really bad at that....eh.
I have about a million and one things I want to tell you but I just don't have the time!
Here's a little teaser though until I can write a real post...with words...and a story...and pictures!

My free Fage came!
Another increase in my meal plan and how I'm dealing with it
Conquering fear of late-night food eating
Misconceptions about weight gain aka ED IS A BIG FAT LIAR!!!

Until then, love and hugs!!

Oh wait let me actually try to sneak some Italian in here so it's legit that I'm studying....

hmmm....Ho mangate mi sputino. Poi vado a la passigata. Ciao!!

(If I'm right, I think I just gurbled out: I ate my snack. Now I am going on a walk. Bye!)

Ugh...My Brain Hurts

2009-03-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Hi guys!! As you could probably tell I have taken a bit of a break from blogging and stuff. It's not that I'm struggling or anything like poor Kiki (my heart goes out to you girl!!), it's mostly that I've been feeling rather....confused....lately.

I've actually been doing extremely well as far as the eats have gone. The only tough thing right now is meal planning. I'm always very anal when it comes to planning my meals and always feel like I HAVE to have variety all of the time and only eat certain combinations of food and I always feel so...inadequate if I don't eat new and exciting foods everyday.

But I HAVE been challenging myself quite a bit.
In the past week or so I have managed to successfully conquer peas and corn products and eating a nighttime snack! Can I get a Whoot-Whoot!! I've also discovered a new found love for polenta! Mmmmmm.....polenta!
My next challenge is potatoes, and raw corn!
Still working on the sugar issues though....

My brain has been going around and around and around, working SUPER overtime lately trying to figure a lot of things out.

Just a warning, this is going to sound pretty twisted. And a lot of it is pretty deep.

**Have you ever felt like you don't have an ED? That's what I feel like. I feel like I never even had an ED and was just trying to have one. But then I realize that this is crazy whenever I think about how I was in the depths of my ED. Even then I had trouble believing that I had an ED. I felt that I ate too much and weighed too much (even though I didn't). But looking back I realize that this was EXTREMELY DISTORTED THINKING!! In fact my thinking was so distorted that I was convinced the other girls in the EDU would think that I didn't belong there. Haha...sure ED..sure....

I think this is a great fear for most ED sufferers--the fear of NOT BEING RECOGNIZED OR ACKNOWLEGED. After all, isn't that exactly the reason why we flaunt our skeletons and show off our bones? I know I did.

I also had a bad string of doctors pre-diagnosis who didn't believe that I had an ED. One doctor denied that I was sick even though I refused to eat certain foods and was losing weight. My main doctor at the EDU even acted like I was some sort of lazy, fatso because I didn't overexercise. He actually told me that I needed to regulate my exercise more!! So then of course I thought that I need to exercise more or else I'm not "healthy" or whatever. This is probably why I'm so DARN OBSESSED with exercise today!! Stupid doctor...grrrr......

**I think I am losing my identity in the ED itself. Sometimes I honestly don't feel afraid of food anymore, even foods that I normally would have been before. Like I'll look at like a piece of chocolate or something and think about how easy it would be to just take a bite, chew and swallow. But I don't because I'm still afraid. But I'm not really afraid of the food itself I think I'm afraid of how I'll react. What if taking that bite causes me to totally freak out and spiral back down again? I definitely don't want that. I'll said it before and I'll say it again--I am committed to this recovery, and I am in this for the LONG HAUL!

But then another, even scarier thought comes to mind, what if I don't panic. What if I'm completely okay with eating that slice of pizza or that square of chocolate? Is this a good thing? Isn't this where we are supposed to be? Why am I so afraid to lose my ED?

**I haven't had ANY urges to restrict which is very weird for me. But then again when I look back over the past year I realize that I am forgetting about the long process that it took to get to that point. And boy did I work hard!!!

**I'm not worried about gaining weight. (MEGA SUPER ULTRA MACHO GASP!!!) This is weird in and of itself. But then again I have accepted the fact that I need to gain weight so I don't freak out if I have a little bit more. BUT the weight hasn't started to show yet so I'm a little nervous about that part. I know I can handle that part because I've been there before but maintenance is another story. Maintenance is uncharted territory and I am petrified about getting there. Sometimes I wish that I had more weight to gain so the distance between my current weight and maintenance weight was a lot farther.

**I'm starting to see her more frequently. Me. The real me. The me, sub rosa, who has been choked by the constricting chains of this eating disorder for far too long. The me that needs to gain weight. And whenever I see this true reflection of myself, I am almost disgusted. I don't look healthy. My face looks gaunt, my eyes are sunken in, and I can see the tendons in my jaw when I smile. Yea...not pretty.

**I've been battling some really strong urges to binge. Like whenever I finish eating I never feel full so I always want to eat more. Even if I've had a filling meal, I always want to eat more. And I feel so GUILTY for this!! I feel like, "You expletive expletive!! How dare you say that you have an ED! You always want to eat more so that means you don't!" Usually I hold myself off from eating more or just leave the room because I'm afraid of eating out of control. You see before my ED I was like a bottomless pit. I never felt full which was probably due to my high metabolism. This was one of the reasons that I started restricting in the first place. I guess I'm just afraid of being like that again (normal) because I really hated my body then (even though it was perfectly fine).

**Sometimes I worry that I hold off from indulging in more food because I'm more afraid of losing my ED than I am afraid of gaining weight. But once again, I NEED TO LET GO!!!

I also had another HUGE revelation this week! I love these :)
Are you ready?

I am no longer afraid of eating.
When I realized this it nearly knocked me off of my crazy, cute polka-dotted socks.
I used to be so fearful of eating my next meal, especially at the EDU, and HATED the idea of putting anything other than vegetables and fruit into my mouth.

I think it is amazing that I have reached this point. Despite all of my craziness, maybe I am really farther in recovery than I realized....:)

WOw! I can't believe how much blogging has relieved my stress. Before I was thinking that I was going crazy, but getting all of my thoughts down in writing has really helped.

On a side note I have decided two things

1. I am no longer going to refer to foods as low or high calorie. Calories are now ENERGY. So now if I talk about foods it will be low-ENERGY or high-ENERGY. If you really think about it, this is what a calorie really is, and if we subsist of off low-ENERGY foods we are not going to have enough ENERGY to live. I think that if we adopt this mindset it will help us to have a better, healthier relationship with food.

2. For the sake of those that are currently struggling as well as for others I have decided not to post the AMOUNTS of my food anymore. Even though this is how I calculate my food, I don't think it's fair to make others compare their food to mine. And some sick part of my ED wanted others to know how little I was eating. So I EARNESTLY appologize if I have triggered any of you.

Love and hugs to you all and know that.....I just prayed for you!

A little Steamed

2009-03-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

Thursday is a school and as usual my day started bright and early!

This time I actually managed to make it out of the door on time!! Haha! (triumphant laugh) Leaving on time is just one of the things that I am really working on improving. I swear I can never leave to go ANYWHERE at exactly the time I set. I almost always leave at least 5 or 10 minutes later than I planned. So frustrating..UGH!

Toning class was extremely INTENSE!! I swear sometimes I think my teacher is crazy but she is such a doll and so cool to talk to that we really don't mind. We ended up doing a sort of relay-bootcamp race.

We were split up into three teams of 3 (ya pretty small class) and had to run across a sand pit to the other side where we picked up an exercise card out of a huge pile on the ground. After we did our exercise, then we ran back to our team, and either had to do wall sits or squats while we waited.

See?!?! I told you she was crazy!!

I think by the end of the day I did about a million crunches, squats, lunges, jumping jacks, you name it. I am going to be sooooo sore these next couple of days.....But you know what? Even though it was a lot of exercise I was surprised that my body had the energy to just keep going. Believe me, if I was still restricting and starving my body of what it needs, I would have never NEVER survived!!
****

Movin' on to second period.....

As a part of our study this week on Sexuality (double ugh) we watched a movie about oppression against gays. It was about a killing that was kind of similar to the Matthew Shephard Story. I don't really want to go into much of what it was about because I am very opinionated and Conservative on the whole subject. But I do want to say that I am not necessarily prejudiced against gays, I just have a more of a "love the sinner, hate the sin" kind of approach to the whole thing. Please don't write any angry opinions on this, I am just merely stating my views. Also, lately Mr. W has been kind of irking me. Now that I'm getting to know him a little better I can see that he isn't really the type of guy I am attracted to...even though he's incredibly cute... *(swoon)*. He just seems to be a lot more.....arrogant maybe....and he has a TOTAL disregard for God and Christianity. So--he's just not the guy I want to be with.

****

After second period I had a lovely lunch hosted in the crumb-laden, luxurious atmosphere of my car. I like to eat by myself for lunch just so that I can have the chance to relax and regain my composure. Plus the one time I ate in the commons one of my guy friends came up to me and made a weird face at the avoCHADO and hummus sandwich that I was eating. Grr....I hate it when people make fun of my food.....

****

As soon as I finished lunch it was off to Italian. As usual my teacher was MIA. She does this to us at least once a week and is usually about 15 minutes late. Finally we all got tired of just waiting around and decided that at 20 after we were all gonna leave. Hey, she can't count it as an unexcused absence if everybody goes! Well the second, and I mean the SECOND I stepped out the door in comes my teacher, hair askew looking rather frazzled.

"Where are you guys going?" she said. "We have class."

Groaannnnnn.....We trudged back inside. Only a lucky few had managed to make it to safety. Silently I envied them.

But suddenly my teacher ran out the door and began racing through the parking lot trying to catch the other students. She actually ran up to one of the cars as it was pulling out of its parking space and told them to come back to class. It was the funniest sight I have seen all week!! Ahhh, I needed a good laugh.

***

And now I need to VENT!

After work I went to the gym, had a good work out and came home to relax. It didn't go that way though. As soon as I got home my brother demanded that we watch this comedy DVD. Reluctantly I gave in although I really shouldn't have. I should have stood my ground and said "No darn it!! I want to watch what I want to watch!" Sighh....if only I could be so bold. While we were watching suddenly my dad turns to me and tells me this really crude joke about bulimia that he heard. I'll spare you the details--it still makes me fume. Basically it was some little crack that made light of a very SERIOUS situation.

Excuse my language but, WHAT THE HELL??!!

I couldn't believe how insensitve, ignorant, and downright disrespectful my dad was. I mean, did he not remember that I was in the hospital just 2 years ago??!!! Did he not see the devastating effects of my eating disorder?! And what in the world possessed him to think that I would find the joke funny?!!!

When I heard the punch line I was shocked!! I told him flat out that the joke was not funny AT ALL. Even though I have never struggled with bulimia I was still offended, disgusted and extremely put off. But most of all I was HURT. I was so angry I wanted to say more and really voice my feelings and even hurt him with my words. But I stayed silent. And I fumed for the rest of the night.

This morning I woke up and I was still livid. Although I stayed angry for most of the morning I didn't let on and kept to myself. Eventually I was able to work through it and later on confronted him about the joke.

Basically my dad didn't even realize that it was offensive. He thought that it wasn't about making fun of a serious situation but making fun of the fact that some people view purging as a type of fashion. To give you a little background, basically my dad thinks that eating disorders are willful disobediences to God's law, instead of illnesses. This really makes me angry because I know for a fact that I did NOT wake up one day and think hey I think I am going to disobey God but starving myself and just set out to have an eating disorder. No, my eating disorder actually was borne through a simple well-meaning diet that I started because I was afraid of getting fat and because I wanted to eat healthily. I never restricted purposely or because I wanted to sin. In fact, I didn't even know that is was wrong to have an eating disorder until I was in the hospital. But then again this is my dad's view on a lot of things. He even compared eating disorders to alcholism saying, "what's worse? taking the first drink or the twelfth?" It was only until later on that I realized he was completely WRONG. Alchohol is addicting, an eating disorder is all-consuming. It literally takes control of your mind, contorting your thoughts making you fear any and all types of food. Day after day it harrasses you, whispering in your eat that you are inadequate, lazy, stupid, horrible and deserve to die. It makes your palms sweat at Thanksgiving dinner, your heart race at restaurant outings and relentlessly criticizes every square inch of your body. Suddenly the little amounts of food that you were eating before become too much, too fattening and you become even more fearful, slowly restricting your intake until it eventually has you eating NOTHING!!

That's what an eating disorder is about!!
I'm sorry but this really has me angry!! What are all of your opinions on this?

Anyways...
Here's todays eats!

Breakfast

Overnight Bangin' Banana Oats
I combined 1/2c Oats, 1c Silk Lite Vanilla Soymilk, 1/2 mashed Banana and cinnamon to taste in the fridge overnight. Then in the morning I heated it on the stove until it was nice and creamy and thick and topped it with 6 almonds and 2 crushed Grahams. This is seriously the best bowl of oats I think I have ever had!! It tastes just like a banana-nut muffin and has a very sweet, rich banana flavor. Yum! I also ate it with a Red Prince Apple. These are very tart and tangy but still good!

Snack
Smoothay!!
1/2 Banana
1c Silk Lite Vanilla Soymilk
1 TB Molasses
Blended and then frozen until later.
Along with..
1c Organic Cheerios
6 Almonds

Lunch
2 Slices No Salt Bread
1 Amy's Bistro Burger
3 oz Sliced Tofu on the sandwich with the burger
2 TB Hummus
Veggies
Pear
Cascade Cherry Yogurt, frozen (my new obsession)

Snack
Lemon Larabar (my absolute FAVORITE!! I love how the lemon is tart yet still sweet at the same time. I'm a sucka for lemons. I used to eat them raw when I was little. Sometimes I still do).

Dinner will be

Egg Omelette with
1/2c Allwhites
Tomatoes, Chives and Nutritional Yeast to taste (not counted in because they are insignificant amounts of food. Oh yea, ED, you heard me right!)
Grain (maybe some peas?)
Dinner Roll w/
1 TB Peanut Butter
Fruit
Veggies

Milk (don't know what kind yet...I'm debating over Skim or Silk. The thing is if I do Silk I will be .5 satieties over my meal plan, which is not that big of a deal really, REALLY, but still...I know that it's pretty much pointless worrying about it cuz I need to gain weight (which I am starting to see--more on that later :)
and my dietician will probably up my meal plan again next week...Ugh.....)

Allrighty then!! I hope you girls have a good night!! After work I am going to go to a Young Life Meeting. I'm pretty excited about it because I will get to work with and maybe counsel some youth. Then afterwards I'm sposed to go to a Twilight screening with my friends. Has anyone seen it yet? It actually looks like a good movie.

Love and hugs to you all!

I'm Back!!

2009-03-03T21:22:00.000-08:00

Ello ladies. I appologize for the absence. I told you in the beginning that continuing one of these things was very hard for me. I think its because I'm afraid of judgement and I get intimidated by all of this writing. I'm a good writer but I often write too much. Waaaay too much. Also, I often feel nervous when I socialize in general, not just because of ED. I've dealt with this since I was a little girl. I would get nervous calling people on the phone or hanging out at a friends house. Sometimes I would just avoid it altogether. But thankfully now that I'm older I realize that this has made me very lonely and I love going out for a good night on the town. So if you see me being absent for a long while, knock me upside the head because I've probably scared myself off. But I need this blogging community and I need to keep socializing. It's good for me.

Anyways this week was pretty eventful.

On Sunday I made the huge decision to get baptised. This was such a life-changing moment, one that I'll never forget. It was very "of God." You see, back in November or December I was planning on getting baptised but nothing quite worked out. My dad wasn't able to come, half of my family was missing, and to be completely honest, my heart just wasn't ready. I felt more obligated to get baptised than anything. In no way was I ready to give my whole life over to God. But on Sunday, I was ready. I wanted to trust God with my life, I wanted to give my all over to Him, and I wanted to surrender my eating disorder over to Him. I can't even tell you how many affirmations He has given me lately, that have utterly confirmed that my decision was the right one. Amazing. And so, on Sunday, I barried my sins. Let all the believers rejoice!!

After Sunday my week got pretty crazy. Lately my mind has been kind of freaking out on me. Half of the time I feel very forgetful and experience weird episodes where it's almost like I have premature Alzheimers. It's very...unsettling....and I was just wondering if anybody else has experienced stuff like this. My nutritionist said that irrational thinking is pretty common until my body starts remending itself and gets up to a healthy weight. I also might be tired but I am still kind of worried. Would GREATLY appreciate some prayer from my fellow believers.

Lately I've also been feeling depressed because I have NOTHING to DO!!! Since I share a car with my brother, at least 3 days of the week I'm stuck at home with nothing but my brain, my ED, and a whole lot of nothing. Did I mention nothing? It can get pretty maddening. Soooo I've decided to organize a new system for myself where I have scheduled activities like cleaning and homework and stuff. Otherwise I pretty much procrastinate. That way I won't feel so lazy and my day will be a lot more productive. PLUS I'll get more of my homework done and won't have to stay up so late!! Tomorrow is my first day on the "job." Wish me luck.

In other news ED has been kind of quiet. This kind of scares me still. Sometimes I really don't want my ED to leave and I worry when things are too easy. Like I worry that its gone because I a part of me is still holding on to it.
But wait?
Isn't this is a good thing?
Why should I be worried that my ED is silent?
I should be rejoicing!!
I should be relishing the times where I have ED-free days and embracing my life on that day!!
I should be whooping it up!! Dancing and singing and laughing until my sides hurt!!

This is a time to rediscover myself!! To grow and live and scale new heights!!
This is where I need to start accepting that recovery is a good thing.

And I am NOT going to let ED try to convince me otherwise.

Here's the eats for today!

Breakfast

1/2c Oatmeal

1/2c Pumpkin

1 TB PB

1 Banana

1 c Silk Lite Vanilla

No Snack because of school, but I still made my numbers :)

Lunch (eaten in the car outside of campus)

2 Slices No-Salt Bread

1 oz AvoCHADO!

2 TB Hummus

Veggies yum yum yum

Sliced Pear

Fage 0%

Serving of Annie's Honey Bunnies (crumbled in the Fage of course!)

Snack

Stonyfield Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt mixed with

1 TB Cocoa Powder (so delicious, I cannot give it up)

1 Wheetabix

1 c Kashi Puffs

12 Almonds

1/2c Applesauce

Dinner

Almond Milk

Egg White Omelette with Tomatoes

1/2c Edamame

Veggies YUMYUMYUM!!!

Sliced Pear

Kashi TLC Pumpkin Pie Bar

Snack

Yes I challenged myself with an evening snack!! It really wasn't that hard!! I just had to push myself to do it. On the drive home from the rec center I was debating whether to eat it or not cuz nine is still pretty late. But when I came home I wasn't gonna let myself back out. I promptly marched over to the freezer, grabbed my snack and sat down on the couch to eat it! And it was pretty dern good!

Frozen Cascade Strawberry Yogurt

Okay I just have to mention one more thing:

I. Am. In. A. Cooking. RUT!!!

For the life of me I cannot cook!! The other day I tried making fluted egg muffin cups (like on Kiki's blog) but they ended up more like sad, deflated souffles. So sad. So I always end up making the same things everyday. I just don't know how to do variety!

I would LOVE it if you all sent me some ideas, recipes, ANYTHING, cuz I am just lost!! Thanks!!

Well I'm off to sleep. Sleep is good. ZZZzzzz....

Birthday Goodies

2009-02-27T22:25:00.000-08:00

BIRTHDAY DINNER DECISION

For a while now I have really really REALLY been wanting to try and revive my old favorite nostalgic food: Maccaronni and Cheese. I'd seen a healthier version in an Annie's brand and I have been working up to the challenge. Well this week I finally bit the bullet and made the decision. I wanted something special for my birthday. I wanted something I knew that I would like and that I hadn't eaten in a long time.
Mac and Cheese it was.
I was gonna do it.
And I told my family too so that they would hold me accountable and so I couldn't chicken out.

I nervously anticipated the dinner all morning. At one point I just had to shut myself off in my room to pray. Because I haven't really struggled with food at all this week the anxiety over such a challenging meal was really intense. I even find myself struggling to eat certain foods that normally I would have been okay with and was constantly fretting about sugar content and fiber and whole grains and sodium. It was really frustrating!! But then I rationalized that today was my birthday and I should not have to worry about food!!
I should be able to enjoy my day and enjoy my food and eat what I want!! It's my birthday for crying out loud!!!

Finally the time came when my mom and I went to the grocery store to pick up the boxes.
Annie's Real Aged Chedder Mac and Cheese Shells.
I was nervous but determined and plucked the boxes off of the shelf and put them in the cart. I was going to do this. But then I found myself depressed over the "Cake Celebration" issue.

Since I've had my ED I haven't eaten any cake with my birthday. Last year I was able to do some homemade muffins with candles stuck in them, but this year I was completely stumped. The mac and cheese was a really challenging food. It posed as at least 2 fear foods of mine (pasta, pasturized cheese, and sodium) and made up almost all of my dinner for the night. Because I had eaten my snack earlier I wouldn't be able to "afford" really much of anything else. Plus I didn't want my entire night to be ruined if I was so overwhelmed with anxiety about eating the meal. So I decided to forgo any kind of dessert treat. And I didn't want my family to have a cake either, mostly out of selfishness (ugh so stupid). Why should they get to have something to celebrate with just to make themselves happy? It didn't seem right.

But when I got home, the stress of the day caused everything to cave in. My dad had unknowingly already bought a cake for the family to celebrate with. I was crushed and hurt. Later I had a little meltdown but my mother was able to talk me through it and help me understand that my dad didn't intentionally buy the cake to hurt me. ED tried to push me to restrict dinner and give up on the mac and cheese but I fought back.

I AM going to do this.

And I did :)

I can't even tell you how happy I am that I ate this meal. While I was preparing it a wave of happy memories flooded my head, reminding me of how much I used to enjoy eating mac and cheese as a kid. I didn't really care for any other pasta except for the shells. They were the only way to go. I always loved how slippery and funny feeling they were and the way they would stick to the end of your tongue if you ate too big of a bite. For the first time that night I felt relief instead of anxiety and was actually looking forward to eating dinner.

When I took that first bite of maccarroni and cheese, I smiled. It was REALLY GOOD!! It tasted exactly like what I remembered the Kraft version tasting like. And you know what? ED did not butt in once. I enjoyed my meal, I enjoyed eating and I felt no nervousness whatsoever. During that small amount of time spent at the dinner table I actually felt NORMAL again.

I am also very glad to say that I ended up making some lickety-split homemade oatmeal and applesauce muffins to put my 2 and 0 numbered candles in. I don't care what ED says, but a birthday just isn't a birthday without blowing out candles!!
AND
I even ate one of the muffins too even though it was a little over my meal plan. Because I WANTED TO. I hate feeling so abnormal and so weird when I go to special occassions. Everybody always asks me why I'm not having any cake to celebrate or looks at me funny. It feels so uncomfortable. And that night I just wanted to be able to celebrate and ENJOY myself.

It was a really great birthday!!
I am SOOoooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOooo glad that I was able to push past my ED feelings. I feel so free and so powerful and so ALIVE now. I conquered HUGE hurdles and made great strides and did things that I never thought I would have been able to do before.

I took one more step away from my anorexia and one more step TOWARDS

M E.

Happy Birthday.

Girls, you are strong. You CAN do this. Just think, if I had allowed my anxiety to get the best of me before I ate that first bite I would have been too scared to eat it. But because I pushed past my fear I discovered that everything was OKAY and I had a good time. Sometimes it's the initial dread of an event that prevents us from doing something and scares us off. Give things a chance before immediately turning on your heel and running away. If you don't give things a chance you may never get to experience the good things God has to offer and you will always be holding yourself back.
P.S. You know what???? I am definitely going to be eating Mac and Cheese more often now!!!

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

2009-02-27T08:28:00.000-08:00

And Many More!!!

I can hardly believe it but today I turned 20 years old. Honestly I never thought I would EVER reach this age, EVER!! Not in a million years!! I feel as if I have turned a new chapter in my life and have the whole world ahead of me. I am choosing to mark my 20th birthday as the year of age. No more will I look back on the past and regret stupid mistakes that I have made. Being 20 marks a new time in my life. A time for recovery. A time for renewal. A time for LIVING AND LOVING AND ENJOYING MY LIFE!! It marks letting go of the old and broken and embracing a new, and bright and exciting future that God has laid out before me. I feel like with the year 20, I am starting over from scratch and embracing life for the very first time.

Since I have been kind of AWOL this week, I am going to do a short recap of the most significant events. Tomorrow I'll do a post about the Birthday Goodies!!

*****
Dietican's Appointment

This Tuesday I met with my dietician for the second time. I can't even begin to say how wonderful of a lady she is to have stuck with me for the 2 or 3 years that I have been seeing her, despite the fact that I have not yet been able to MAINTAIN A HEALTHY WEIGHT!! But I AM going to do it this time. I am going to go forth with recovery and STICK WITH IT!! I AM IN THIS FOR THE LONG HAUL!!

I was able to talk with her about a lot of the things that have been bothering me, in particular my body weight. At first I wanted her to check my body fat percentage (sorry) to see if I was indeed bigger. Like I said in my earlier posts, I seriously think my body is bigger right now that it was before, especially my legs. Well she was kind enough to talk through it with me and in the end we decided that it would not be the best decision because it would just be another outlet for ED. We also upped my meal plan again which I was okay with. Honestly I have been wanting to eat more because I just find myself so hungry!! Also, even though I gave in to ED I didn't really want to start restricting again. I think it was just very difficult for me to accept the fact that I was recovering and I still wasn't ready to let go.

Towards the end of the session I asked her some questions about why my weight seemed to be bigger in my legs. What she told me really helped to open my eyes and change my perspective. Basically she said that my body was changing because I am older now, and our bodies will naturally begin to change shape in certain areas in preparation for...well....womanhood. And that got me thinking. All this time I had been mourning my EDU and post-recovery body. But I was eighteen. Two years ago!!! Of course my body is going to change! It's older now!! And I suddenly realized that I can't hang on to a little girl's body anymore because I am not a little girl.

So now I am trying to embrace my new body. My twenty year old, beautiful womanly body which still needs to gain a good x number of pounds. And the next day when I looked in the mirror, suddenly I wasn't upset. I realize that this body that I have now, though still underweight, is my new body and no matter what I can't make it go back to the way (weigh) it was before. So I am going to learn to LIKE it!

*****
FREE FAGE!!

No I am so not even kidding on this one!!

Okay, here's the story.

So lately when I have purchased some containers of Fage Greek Yogurt, I have opened them up to find a runny, milky, grainy mess instead of the thick, rich and creamy texture that I love. A couple of days ago I decided to write them a letter asking about the problem, but more to question about whether I was still getting the same amount of protein. Well they wrote me BACK!!

Here is what the letter said:

Dear Keiko,

Thank you for contacting us regarding our FAGE Total product.

We have forwarded your complaint to our Quality Control Department for review.

We appreciate your interest and support. FAGE Dairy Industry is one of the largest food producers in Greece ; it operates 5 production facilities in Greece for dairy product production (milk, yogurt, cheese and dairy desserts. Our wholly owned subsidiary FAGE USA Dairy Industry, Inc. has opened and operates a new state-of-the-art yogurt production facility in upstate New York in April 2008.

As a token of our appreciation for your interest in our products, we would like to send you a case of your favorite FAGE Total yogurt. Please provide us with the product type and the size of the container and its use by date, a daytime phone number and address, so that we may proceed.

Best Regards,
Ann S. Diotte
Consumer Relations & Promotions Specialist

Holy cow and a half!!! When I read this I squealed in utter happiness and just about jumped for joy!!

I am so excited I can hardly stand it!! The only problem is, what am I going to do with a WHOLE CASE of deliciousness that is Fage yogurt??!! I hope it doesn't go bad before I can eat it all. FYI Keiko is my mailing name so I don't attract creepy stalkers!

Well it's getting late and my brain needs some sleep!!

Goodnight to you all!

A Revelation

2009-02-25T08:06:00.000-08:00

This past week has been absolute TORTURE!

Every single day ED has been whispering in my ear, telling me that I am fat. But on Sunday the attack was unbearable. While I was sitting in church I started looking down at my legs and the barrage began.

My thighs are huge.
My legs are bigger than they used to be.
My butt is massive and my body is squishy, flabby and disgusting.
By the time the sermon was over I literally felt sick to my stomach. It was as if I had just emerged from a vicious onslaught and was left battered, brusised and broken. I spent the entire day in a depressed slump, bemoaning the size of my thighs and hating on the body. It was awful.

Finally I decided to get out of the house and go to the rec center to try and ease my depression. While I was in the car I began praying to God...

*WARNING* HUGE MASSIVE REVELATION ALERT!! THIS COULD HELP YOU IN YOUR FIGHT AGAINST YOUR EATING DISORDER!!*

I started out appologizing for my behavior and how I had been so self-absorbed during church. I was so ashamed that I had allowed myself to become so internally focused that I had neglected hearing the sermon today. I mean it was in CHURCH for crying out loud!! My mind should be focused on GOD!! NOT ON MY BODY!! I felt so guilty.

Then I began telling about how awful it was to always be under attack and how I felt so helpless. Suddenly a thought immediately popped into my head.

Now I know there might be sceptics out there, but I can honestly say that this is how God talks to me. He puts thoughts into my head that so unexplainable, so relevant, and so eye-opening that they can only come from Him. That was how He spoke to me when I made the decision to recover last year, and when I made the decision to trust Him FULLY with recovery this year.

This is what my thought was: Why didn't I ask Him for help?

And that was when the lights went on.

Why didn't I ask Him for help? Why wasn't I able to recognize the attack and cry out to Him?

Instead, I had allowed myself to be beaten down by the voice of my ED. No wonder why I felt defeated!!

Show of hands:

How many of you regularly find yourselves under attack by your ED?

Okay.

How many of you honestly find yourself hating your body from time to time?

Hmmm...thought so.

How many of you recognize when you are being attacked?

Last question.

How many of you believe that what ED says is true?

That day I learned a few things:

*to recognize that I was being attacked.

*to begin to resist giving in to self-criticism.

*to remember that I wasn't in this battle alone.

So here is my challenge for you no matter how far you are in your recovery. Whenever you begin to hear the voice of your ED creeping up on your thoughts, digging its nails into your flesh and weighing you down with criticism until your are helpless in its grasp--stop.

Don't give in to the lies. Stop beating yourself up. Stop allowing yourself to be dragged down. And above all
And ask for HELP.
We can't do this on our own girls, especially if our reality of the truth is distorted.

Salsa (No Chips Required)

2009-02-23T08:19:00.000-08:00

As promised, here is the recap of my lovely night of salsa dancing.

I think three words will pretty much sum up the entire night

O-MAY-ZING!!

It has been far too long since I have gone out for a night of dancing!! I think the last time I went was for my senior prom but that was in 2007!! I'll admit I was a little (scratch that) A LOT nervous about the night. For one there were TONS of people. I tend to get very anxious in large crowds which I think is partly due to ED making me feel insecure about my weight and everything. I did struggle with body checking and comparison for some part of the night but eventually I was able to just relax and have a good time.

I think part of the reason why I was "feeling fat" (ugh) was because I am still wearing baggy clothes which really do not fit me that well. Ever since being discharged from the hospital I have taken to wearing loose-fitting clothing because I am so insecure about the changes in my body. Even though now I have to regain a lot of weight I am still insecure because my body is still out of shape.

But enough of this downer-mood!! On to the fun!!!

I can't even begin to tell you how great of a time I had. First we learned the basic moves: stepping to the beat, pausing on the 4th and 8th beat, and twirling. Then the instructors set us loose and we were on our own, dancing the night away. Once you know what to do salsa dancing is actually not that hard. There are a lot of more complicated, fancy moves but everything is in time to the music so it's really easy to pick up. I actually learned how to do a side step, a double twirl, and a cross-over.

For most of the night I ended up dancing with my friend's brother. I was SUPER nervous being that close to a guy, but he was pretty cool and was a great dancing partner. Plus I think that he likes me, but don't say anything. Shhhhh.....I also danced with one other guy. OMG!! It was so creepy!! Suddenly this middle-aged guy who was about 30 or 40 came up to me out of nowhere and asked me to dance. I could've/should've said no but I didn't want to be rude. He kept smiling at me the whole time while we were dancing together and tried to teach me some new moves. I hated touching his hands because they felt like a warm, soft marshmallow. Shiver..... The whole time we danced I kept shooting my friend's a look of pained desperation to just "PLEASE RESCUE ME!!!" I was afraid that he was some kind of pedophile who was going to molest me or stalk me. It was realllllly creepy. When the song ended I literally RAN back to my friends and hid from sight. Ugh...even remembering it still makes me feel uneasy.

But now for the BEST PART OF THE NIGHT!!! Here's a little background before I tell you

When I was a little girl I dislocated my shoulder in gymnastics while doing a flip on the high bar. Ever since then I have to be careful about how I use my right arm because it easily dislocates again if I move it in the wrong way. Seriously, I can't put my arm behind my head, serve a volleyball, or even jump rope--it is THAT bad. During the worst days of anorexia, my shoulder was especially bad and would frequently come out. I couldn't use it at all! When I heard that we were going salsa dancing you can imagine how nervous I was. Right away I told my partner that he couldn't twirl me with my right arm. Well, he FORGOT!! When he spun me around for that first twirl I immediately envisioned a crippled me lying on the floor, arm loosely dangling from its socket.

Oh the pain! Oh the misery! Oh the woe! It was surely DOOM'S DAY for this gal.

But to my surprise---NOTHING HAPPENED!! I was so shocked!! In fact I didn't even feel any pain or the usual tightening in my shoulder muscle like I usually get. I am so happy to say that I ended up twirling the entire night with my right arm and it didn't come out once!!! I guess the weight training that I started this summer has really payed off!!

Tomorrow I am going to post about an amazing revelation that I had this Sunday (sry I'm a day behind but Sunday was so HARD I didn't have the energy or the heart to post). It's about what to do when we are faced with an attack from our ED's. This literally blew my mind! I can't wait to tell yall! Plus I am including a tribute to the most skee-rumptious, dee-lishious, bangin' bowl of oatmeal EVA!!
G'night and a domani!

I Hit the Jackpot!!!

2009-02-21T15:29:00.000-08:00

At the library.
So me and my dad just got back from our outing this afternoon. We were supposed to go bowling, one of our favorite things to do, but when we got there the place was PACKED!! AND I MEAN PACKED!! There must have been like 5 birthday parties going on all at once. Since the wait for a lane was like an hour and a half, we decided to just shop around and go to the library instead.

I am so glad we did!!! Our library has this new huge section of free books, and I always manage to find at least one good thing. My dad says it's like an addiction: once you find one good thing you always keep coming back for more. Well this time I hit the motherload. Right on the bottom shelves were dozens upon dozens of my favorite book series that I used to read when I was a little girl! The Sweet Valley Twins and Sweet Valley University!! I have been looking for these books for ages but can never seem to find more than a few at my libraries. I have seriously read and re-read my collection at least 5 times each. They are just too good!!

Well when I saw these books I immediately yelled "DAD!! DAD!! BRING THE CAR AROUND!!" and started snatching them off of the shelves. Quickly I found a big ole carboard box and stacked them all in there, and guarded that box with my life!! haha. I haven't counted my stash yet, but I must have found at least 50 books. I can't wait to start reading them!! This is seriously going to cut into my homework time!!!

So that was the highlight of my day. I also went to the gym earlier this morning for an O-MAZE-ING energizing workout!! I love getting in my workout in the morning because it sets my day off right and eases some of my stress. Plus, since I have been eating a morning snack I just feel like I have SO MUCH MORE ENERGY than I used to. Seriously, I couldn't understand how you all could just plug away for 40 minutes on the eliptical, but now I totally understand. Yesterday I did 30 minutes straight, but still felt like I could keep going forever. It feels GREAT!!!

Today's Workout

(I am sticking to 50 minutes at the gym, with 30 minutes of strenous exercise as per my doctor's orders).

20 minutes of brisk speed-walking while be-bopping out to the Newsboys on my phone

20 minutes of an intense workout on the arc trainer

10 minutes of interval running and walking

So I am seriously excited for tonight because........

My youth group is going salsa dancing!!

This is the first time I have ever been salsa dancing before and I am just itching to go!! I'm glad that I am starting to take some risks like going out at night and having fun with my friends, instead of worrying about exercise and food. For once I feel a lot more free.

Hope you guys have a great night!! I will post an update about the dancing later!!

Love ya!!

Today's Eats

Breakfast
2 Wheetabix biscuits
1 TB PB & CO Cinnamon Raisin PB
Fage 0%
1/2 Banana
Red Delicious Apple

Snack
1 c Organic Cheerios
1 TB Honey
1/2 Banana
6 almonds
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla

Lunch
For lunch I made a stirfry of carrots, rice, edamame, peppers, and tomatoes. It was so colorful and looked so beautiful).
1/3c Brown Rice
1/2c Edamame
1 oz Avocado
1/2 Small Plum Tomato
7 chopped carrots (ya, I'm weird about carrot consumption, 10 is ED's max for some odd reason).
Assorted Veggies
Red Delicious Apple
Cascade Lemon Yogurt

Snack
TLC Kashi Pumpkin Pie Bar
I ate this while looking for books at the library. This is sooo good and I am so glad I just decided to go ahead and try them. The chewy texture of the glaze mixed with the crunchiness of the oats and the sweet pumpkin, cinnamon flavor--mmmm!
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla warmed with 1 TB Cocoa Powder

Dinner
2 Slices No-Salt Bread
3 oz Tofu
2 TB Hummus
Assorted Veggies
Some kind of fruit, probably an apple

FYI, I am serioulsy in love with bananas now. And I have you girls to thank! Ever since seeing them on your blogs, I have been wanting to try them again. Believe it or not but they used to be a HUGE fear food of mine. But now I think I have eaten one every day since the dietician's appointment. I also have one chilling in the fridge with my name on it (literally, my mom is a banana hound!). Thank you so much girls for helping me to conquer this fear!!

Soggy Sandwiches and a Sosh Test

2009-02-19T21:34:00.001-08:00

Even though this is only my second day on a new meal plan, I am definitely beginning to get nervous. Yesterday I ate certain kinds of food that I was too scared to before, and ate them with no problem. Basically I just told myself that I needed to do this and I need to gain weight and there was no going back. And I just did it. To be perfectly honest, it really scares me when eating is too easy and when my ED is quiet. This makes me worried that the recovery will be too quick and these issues will just disappear overnight. However, it also makes me worry that ED is lying low, just waiting for the opportune moment to attack me and drag me back down.

Lately I've been feeling like I could eat ANYTHING and not feel any guilt later on. Sometimes its even like I forget about the importance of eating healthily and I feel like suddenly all of my ED rules have vanished. This really worries me. How can an ED just disappear overnight?! Answer: it can't. I know from experience that if I let my guard down too easily and begin to eat normally again, eventually the remorse will catch up with me and I will restrict even worse. So right now I am fighting the temptation to just eat and eat and eat as well as the temptation to restrict. Will you gals please pray for me?

------------------------

Anyways on to today.
School days are always stressful for me and--as per usual--I was running late again. This morning I had decided ahead of time that I was going to skip 1st period and use the extra time to study for my Sosh test. (sosh=sociology in "me" speak). Well, on the way to the campus, suddenly I remembered that I had forgot to pack a serving of veggies for my lunch. I thought about just going with the carrots but then I realized that if I ate those I would be left with just hummus for a snack. Ick. Plus, ED says that carrots don't really count as veggies. So I made a quick detour to Safeway to pick up a pepper and some apples. What should have been a 5 minute run turned into a 20 minute delay because I did some browsing (hey I couldn't help it) and the self checkout refused my pepper!! When I finally got out of that store and to the school I was a frazzled mess and decided to take my walk before studying.

My walk was really really nice. The air was crisp and comforting, and the sun beat down warm and friendly. I was able to free my head, enjoy my surroundings and just breathe. I even saw a WOODPECKER pecking away at a tree. I have never seen one of these before! They are fascinating creatures and really small and really loud. I also used the time to talk with God. I told Him about my fears concerning weight gain and asked Him to help me trust Him with my life.

When I got back to the campus I was in a much better mood and disposition and decided to eat my snack. This is when my day fell apart, girls. Opening up my lunchbox I realized that almost my entire waterbottle had leaked. There was literally about an inch to 2 inches of water in the bottom. In a panic I quickly grabbed all of the items, dried them off and dumped the water from the lunchbox outside. I thought that I had been able to save everything, but my sandwich was RUINED!!! My beautiful sandwich had soaked up all of the water from the flood and turned into a SPONGE!! I tried taking a bite of it, hoping that it was still somewhat edible, but it was no use. I wanted to cry. There was no way possible that I could survive for the next 4 hours on nothing but a Fage 0% yogurt, apples, a pepper, and the 2 TB of hummus and 10 carrots that I had for snack. I knew that this was a temptation to restrict and compromise my eating for the day, so I just decided to skip my last period and go home where I could eat a proper meal.

After the sandwich incident, I went to the library to study feeling really blue. Between combatting body image issues all day and a ruined lunch, I was spent. It seemed as if my day was a complete disaster. But then while I was studying my mystery man came over to sit by me!! I'll call him Mr. W. He is so sweet and friendly. We spent the rest of the time talking about the horrors of the upcoming test and other various stuff. Before long I found myself at ease once again. Nothing like a little flirting to cheer a sad gal up!!!

Thankfully, the test really wasn't that bad. I think I did pretty okay on the multiple choice and I totally rocked the essays. The really cool thing is that even though I ran out of time, my teacher let me finish writing the essays in the faculty lounge. She even told me that I didn't have a time limit to finish them, as long as I didn't take too long!!! Ummmmm....... Let's just say that I took well advantage of that time! Haha!

Oh...but then when I got home I had to throw out my Fage because it had sat in the car too long...SOB!

All in all, my day really wasn't that bad. Work was pretty easy and I rocked a killer workout at the gym afterwards. My mom was proud of me for making the decision to come home and eat lunch. She told me that God was probably answering my prayer to trust Him by testing me today. Because the test time bit into my third period, I also think that He was trying to tell me that He would have taken care no matter what happened today. Also, I think that if I had just gone to school without stopping at the store, and trusted God with my allotment of veggies, I might have been able to save my sandwich before it drowned:) You never know...

My Workout

30 minutes walking--at school

15 minutes walking--at home

20 minutes on the treadmill (I cut back to 20 from 25 because I did a little more walking than I should have today).

Various weight lifting exercises (abs, butt, arms, shoulders, sides, etc)

10 reps each of squats and lunges.

What was amazing about my workout was that I found myself just on fire, shouting praises to the Lord and singing Hallelujah for the last 10 minutes of my run. I just felt so free and alive and energized.

I kept repeating, this trial is going to take a THROUGH KIND OF FAITH.

The really amazing part is that beforehand I was doing some really bad body-bashing and freaking out about weight gain. But once I stepped on that treadmill, it was like God just took all of those fears away. Isn't He amazing?

------------------------

The New and Improved Eats

Yesterday

Breakfast

1/2c Oatbran

1 TB Peanut Butter

Cascade Cherry Yogurt

Granny Smith

Snack

1c Silk Lite

1 Mashed Banana

1 Wheetabix

Lunch

Rudy's Bakery Honey Sweet Wheat Bagel

1/2c Allwhites

Tomato Slices

1 TB Hummus

1 oz Avocado

Assorted Veggies

Fruit

1c Silk Lite warmed with cocoa powder

Snack

Jocolat Chocolate-Mint Larabar (I can't even say how amazingly good this way. It tasted like a brownie and I enjoyed every bite!)

Dinner

Scramble of

6 oz Tofu

1/2c Brown Rice

Assorted Veggies

cooked in 1/4c Veggie Broth

2 Clemmies

Mini Almond Milk

Today

Breakfast

1cKashi Almond Shredded Wheat with

1c Warm Silk Lite(d-lish combo!)

12 almonds

Banana

Snack

10 carrots

1 clemmie

2 TB Hummus

Lunch

2 Slices No-Salt Bread

1 TB Peanut Butter

1 TB Fig Jelly (yea!!!)

1/2c Allwhites

Red Pepper and some cauliflower

Fuji Apple

1/2c Silk Lite

Snack

Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt mixed with

1 TB Cocoa Powde

2 Wheetabix biscuits crumbled (this was a disgusting combo!!! Because it was pre-prepared the Wheetabixes absorbed all of the yogurt and turned it into another soggy, fluffy mess. Ick!)

1 Clemmie

Dinner

1c Tomato Soup

6 oz Tofu

3 Melba Toasts

Assorted Veggies

Granny Smith

Mini Almond Milk

Whew!!! Well it's WAAAAAAY past my bedtime girls!! Goodnight!!

Taking the First Step

2009-02-18T13:01:00.000-08:00

After I made the decision (which was actually made during a zone-out sesh in my Sosh class, hehe) I called my mom and told her that I was going to go through with it. She couldn't have been more supportive and told me how much she loved me and was so proud of me. Seriously, her love just overflowed. One thing that I am grateful for that has happened during my relapses is that I have been able to salvage and cultivate and heal in my relationship with my mother. Before we were bitter enemies. Now we are practically friends. :)

During my next class I really began thinking about the magnitude of my decision. This was it. No more going back. No more eating disorder.

I do not have the option of going back anymore.

It really scared me realizing all of this. And I began to get a little bit panicky.

After class I talked to my mom before my appointment and she again reassured me that I could do this. I told her that I was nervous and that it was going to be hard but that I was going to do this. Before I hung up, we prayed together on the phone.

Going into the appointment I was very nervous but had a new perspective on the situation. I was compliant and mostly agreeable with my dietician and addressed all of the issues that I was worried about. I asked about portions and meal planning and exercise and everything that I could think of. I even told her that if need be I would be willing to go up to a healthy goal weight--something I have NEVER wanted to do before. I want to do this, and I want to do this RIGHT. I don't want to make excuses for my ED anymore.

I also think that God challenged me during the appointment. Normally when I go in for a visit my dietician weighs me in a hospital gown, but this time I could only be weighed in my clothes because the exam room was unavailable. This made me nervous, because I felt like or ED felt like I had to know where I was at so I could get the most accurate evidence of whether or not I actually was bigger. But I think that God just wanted me to trust Him, that no matter where I was at, it was going to be okay.

The appointment lasted about an HOUR. It was A LOT of ground to cover. In the end we got a lot of things cleared up and settled upon a good meal plan. I even asked her about one of my biggest fear foods, sugar.

GIRLS, LISTEN UP. She said that I don't have to worry about how much sugar I am consuming (she wants me to do at least 7 fruits, some of them from honey, molasses, etc). Basically our bodies do not know the difference between a sugar sugar and a carb sugar because everything gets broken down into sugars in our bodies when we eat them anyways. This totally defies the "laws of the media" but is absolutely TRUE.

I love learning about nutrition.

Well after the appointment I was hungry and decided to eat the Cashew Cookie Larabar that I have had in my purse for like a week. Originally I wasn't going to eat any more food than I have been until tomorrow, but I just decided to go ahead with it. I ate that bar and I enjoyed it. I didn't feel any remorse. And it was good.

When I got home me and my mom went food shopping for some new items. I bought all of the things I have been wanting to try lately but have held off on, and am so excited to try them. So my meals are going to be WAAAAAY different now. :)

On the List

Annie's Honey Bunnies

Annie's individually packaged Chocolate Chip Bunnies

Mi-Del Graham Crackers

Rudy's Bakery Honey Sweet Wheat Bagels

Stonyfield/Sonyfield?? Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt

Bananas (oh yea, after seeing everybody eat them I have had a craving for some)

No-Salt Bread

Kashi Almond-Flavored (ish) Shredded Wheat

PB&CO Cinnamon Raisin PB

Mini Almond Milks

ED really tried fighting me when I was picking out these things, screaming at me that it was all too much sugar. It was hard and I felt like a fatty and like I was over-indulging. But I fought back.

For dinner that night I made some celebratory Pumpkin Pancakes topped with my new PB&CO Cinnamon Raisin PB. OMG!! This stuff is amazing!! It is so thick and grainy! I swear it's made with almonds though instead of PB. I was nervous eating it, thinking "omg what am I doing? I am eating sugar!!!" but again I pushed through. I also had one of my new Almond Milks with dinner. These were.....different. They greatly remind me of Almond Butter, but are a little blander in taste. I think I prefer soymilk, really but at least I tried something new.

Because I love my Pancake recipe so much I am going to share it with yall!! I got the idea from hungrygirl.com, and then just modified it. These are seriously DEE-LISH-US!! The batter is fragile though so it's best to make the pancakes small. The recipe usually makes about 8-12 small pancakes.

Raina's Amazing Pumpkin Pancakes

Ingredients

1/2c Allwhites

1/2c Oatbran (or oatmeal)

2 TB Pumpkin Puree

1TB of sweetener to chose (honey and molasses works great or you can use 2 TB of applesauce if you don't like them too sweet).

Anything else you like to add: cinnamon, 2 TB of vanilla milk, vanilla extract to give it some flav-a. I usually make mine bland and top it with PB or Jelly.

Directions

If using oatmeal, blend all ingredients together in a blender for a few seconds. In the meantime, have a small-sized hot frying pan ready on the stove on medium heat. When the pan is heated up, ladel batter onto the surface in four small circles. Allow the pancakes to cook for a little, and then flip them, until both sides are cooked to your liking. It only takes about 1 minute to 2 minutes to fully cook each pancake. Repeat with the rest of your batter. Top pancake beauties with PB, Jelly, Honey, Syrup, or just eat them plain. Enjoy!!

I'm Letting Go and Giving it Over

2009-02-18T07:58:00.000-08:00

Brace yourselves gals, I have a feeling that this is going to be a long post.

I'll start from the beginning.

For those of you who have been keeping up with my (sporadic) posting lately, you'll know that I had an appointment to see my dietican yesterday. The last time I met with her was in October and I was 2 lbs away from my lowest goal weight. Since then school and work kind of overwhelmed me and I slowly starting backing off from my appointments. The Christmas season arrived, I found myself overexercising and restricting and I lost a little bit of weight. Not a whole lot of weight, but enough to make it noticeable. And then one day I was faced with a lie: that I was bigger at my current weight than I was last year when I was at the same exact weight. And I fed into it, practically enticing the ED to come back into my life so that I could be small again. You see girls, even though I was starting to become comfortable with food again, I was scared.

I didn't want to get better. I didn't want my ED to go away. And so I held on.

Fast forward to the present. When I started restricting again, of course I started to lose weight, but not necessarily as fast as I would have liked. I started freaking that my body was still holding on to the weight and restricted more and exercised more vigorously. Eventually I was so entangled in the web that I had spun for myself, that I was trapped. I feared that if I started to eat more I would gain back the weight very quickly. So I kept myself where I was, refusing to make a change.

This is hard for me to admit but, I wasn't necessarily stuck in my ED. Before when I have relapsed I honestly began to fear food again and weight gain, and was generally AFRAID. But this time--and again this is hard for me to admit--I just didn't want to keep getting better. I held on to my ED even though I had already done a pretty good job in beating it down earlier in the year.

ED wasn't holding on to me, I was holding on to it.

So yesterday I was mentally preparing myself for the appointment. In my mind I had already firmly made the decision that we were going to just TALK and there would be no meal planning or changes to my diet or anything. Just a nice friendly chat. Because I did NOT want to change.

But I think that God had a different plan.

As usual I was running late yesterday morning and was in a scramble to get out the door. I arrived to first period with like a minute to spare and was very frazzled. When I arrived though my teacher announced that she was sick and was cancelling the class for the day. Great. No toning exercises. I decided to take a walk around one of the local neighborhoods while I was waiting for next period to begin. And I asked God to please meet me while I was out walking because I wanted to discuss this whole "RECOVERY" thing.

And He did.

While I was walking I began thinking over everything--events I have gone through, unforgiveness and anger and self-acceptance issues. And I realized that this whole eating disordered thing isn't really about any of that.

It's about TRUST

To put it simply, I don't trust God with my future. When I can't handle life, instead I turn to my ED to cope with all the changes. And I take control.

And I realized that I have never fully trusted God with my life, PERIOD. Even when I made the conscious decision to try recovering again last year, I didn't give over total control. I wanted things to be a certain way. Ashamedly, I even BARGAINED with the doctors for a weight that I wanted to be at and for the amount of exercise that I wanted. Never once did I say, Okay I'll do it your way. And when I realized all this, I knew what I had to do, and I knew what God wanted me to do.

Yesterday I made a VERY hard decision. Probably the hardest decision I will ever make in my entire life. I gave over my eating disorder to God. Fully. Completely. There is no going back. I am never again going to return to it. I may still struggle but I am NOT going to bring my weight down or allow myself to relapse anymore. There is no more back door. I am moving on, I am moving forward. I am going to start a new life and not look back on the past any longer. It's going to be a long, hard haul, but I am in this for the long run.

I will no longer live as an ANOREXIC.

Valentine's!!

2009-02-14T20:10:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day girls!!! Can you believe it's here already??? It seems like just the other day we were still celebrating Christmas!! I love this season because of the warmth and love that it spreads and the cute decorations in all of the stores. Hearts and polka dots, and pinks and purples and reds galore!! Hershey's kisses the size of baseballs, aisles overflowing with sappy Love cards, and dozens of different heart-shaped plates, cups, and mugs. It makes me so giddy with excitement every time I see another V-Day item.

Well I figure I owe y'all a recap of this week. College life has kept me on my toes and cra-zay busy! Here's a small sampling:

This Week's Craziness

My car door is broken. No, not the passenger side, by the driver's side. It refuses to open from the inside now, so I have to roll down the window, unlatch it from the outside, open the door and roll the window back up again. I swear my car is possessed. When it's not trying to hurl me out the door at 60 mph because the locks are on the fritz, it's trying to trap me inside so that I cannot escape.*
I made the decision with my mom to schedule an appointment with my dietitian again. I am meeting with her this Tuesday at 3:00. Wish me luck. I'm nervous (because I don't want to gain wait), but a little bit excited (because I have been really hungry and just want to eat again). I really wish that I could just do this whole "recovery thing" without the weight-gaining part. Life would be so much easier.
I think I have gone to the rec center every day this week. Mostly cuz it's cold outside and I'm a wimp. It might be a new record. The gym attendants are starting to give me funny looks and this one guy there (who I think has a crush on me) asked me if I was still eating good and stuff. I told him that my gym class is having us do a lot of cardio for training purposes. I feel bad...I am such a liar.....But I still really hate mentioning that I have had/still have an ED even though I don't always feel like I have one. Bleh.
I received my V-DAY package from my V-DAY buddy!!! It came Thursday afternoon but I waited until the night to open it because I wanted to build up the suspense.

Here are the pics!!

My secret buddy was Lida from Octopuscarwash's Gourmet Adventures!! You should go check out her blog! She is an amazing photographer and an excellent cook!

The package arrived in this totally cute wrapping paper!! It couldn't have screamed ME any louder.

She also sent me a sweet card with her hand-drawn picture of a "demented octopus with only six tentacles." I love it!

Inside the package were a whole bunch of goodies! I was squealing with delight as I took out each one. First, I found a package of erasers from China!! Each eraser is in the shape of different Chinese foods like rice, noodles and a pineapple. These are just too precious to use for erasing!

Then I found......

A sock-clasp purse with a lipstick design and a broccoli cell phone charm!!! I think I am pretty much in love with the charm!! It definitely represents recovery in some small way and is just too cute for words!!! I think that I am going to put it on display on my key chain!

She also sent me an unpictured box of Chinese tea leaves(!!) and her homemade granola. The granola looks really yummy and I'm just going to have to force myself to try some of it, no matter what ED says. I did have a pic of these but it mysteriously disappeared...grr...

It was just such a wonderful surprise and so encouraging to know that I have found a loving, supporting blogging community who relates to me and loves me back as much as I love them!! Thank you so much Lee for setting this up, and thank you Lida!!

Today was kind of a slow day although I did my best to make the most of it. Around 11:30 I headed off to the gym to do some cardio. Since I've gone so frequently I am trying to mix things up a little bit each time I go. Today I did:

10 minutes of fast-paced walking on the track.

20 minutes on the stair stepper.

10 minutes of stationary bicycle.

Leg press, ab press, various other toning exercises.

It almost killed me not to do at least 50 minutes of cardio at the gym but I wanted to give my body some rest and I knew I would be walking an additional 10 minutes later on anyways.

After working out I came home for lunch, watched a couple episodes of my mom's favorite program with her and then went to TAR-JAY!! I have a $25 dollar gift certificate there that I have been wanting to use so I figured that I deserved a little shopping time. However, it takes me forever when I shop for myself. I must have spent at least an hour and a half before I finally decided to head back home. The problem is that I hate spending money on myself and I'm so indecisive. I guess I'm just worried that I won't buy "the right thing." But I did manage to come home with a few goodies that I really like. I got a cute new lunchbox with multi-colored polka dots, some colorful floral kitchen towels, and eye shadow. I try and post pics tomorrow.

I've also been reading this really incredible book, called "Frannie in Pieces." It's about a fifteen year old girl who is dealing with the aftermath of her father's death. It's by the same author of "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" series. I am so captivated I have already worked through about 230 pages. I can't wait to find out the ending!

Here's the Eats!

Breakfast 1/2c Oatbran 1TB Peanut Butter Bosc Pear Cascade Cherry Yogurt 10 Carrots

Snack before Workout 1/2c Applesauce w/ Cinnamon

Lunch 2 Slices No-Salt Bread 1 oz Avochado (yes I know I spelled this wrong, but it sounds cooler) 1 TB Hummus Assorted Veggies Sliced Tomato Pieces Granny Smith

Dinner 6 oz of Tofu sauteed with Assorted Veggies in Vegetable Broth 1 TB Nutritional Yeast Granny Smith Apple and 1/2c Silk Lite Vanilla warmed with 1/2c tsp Cocoa Powder and 2 Wheetabix biscuits, I was in the mood for something sweet...

I also snacked on a small apple at about 9 because I was famished. Surprisingly I don't feel much guilt about it...

Well I'm tired. Have a good night girls!

This is Me

2009-02-13T14:56:00.000-08:00

First of all I would just like to thank Amy for the amazing inspiration that she provides everyday through her blog, and for helping us to recognize who we really are without our ED's.

Here's my, Who I Am

I am a girl who is not afraid to speak her mind about the matters that are closest to her heart.

I am reserved, smart, caring and sometimes just a little bit zany when I get too excited. But that is okay, because it prevents me from being totally boring.

I am tall. I always have been tall, I always will be tall. It's just who I am. It's kind of apart of my identity.

I am extremely creative and love challenging myself in every aspect possible.

I like random things and childhood games and crazy, seemingly insignificant stuff that no one else seems to care about. Just the sight of a single red balloon floating through the air is enough to make me smile.

A lot of people would mistake me for being a quiet person, but in reality this is not so. I just do a lot of thinking which usually keeps my mind occupied. Or sometimes I just can't think of what to say. But I'm not quiet.

***

I have done and still do a lot of crazy stuff. Sometimes I worry that this is because I really am crazy, but I am starting to believe that this is a lie.

I have a huge imagination that sometimes gets me into trouble, but can still be a great asset. I overanalyze everything and constantly stive to do things differenlty from everyone else. I like to set myself apart from the norm and go beyond the limits.

I would be lying if I told you that I do not like things to be perfect. I am a perfectionist.

***

Morals are very important to me and shape my actions.

I don't like to cuss (although sometimes I do when I get mad).

I don't like dirty movies, or raunchy television shows or the explotation of sex.

I don't drink.

I don't smoke.

I don't do drugs.

***

I am a hopeless romantic but am very careful about dating. I'm just not exactly keen about getting my heart ripped to shreds by some self-absorbed, irresponsible, uncommited male who's only dating me for my looks. So I'm going to save myself the heart-ache by really taking my time in finding the one who is right for me. My future-boyfriend; my future-husband.

***

I live for old musicals and vintage designs and adore Gene Kelly.

***

I am also scared about everything. From the unknown to the known to the widely feared, my brain is constantly going about a million miles an hour, fretting over the littlest thing.

***

I hate conflict. I wish that people would never fight and there would never be a reason to cry.

***

I am very frugal (most of the time) about spending money on myself, but will frequently shell out 5 bucks on an impulse to buy small trinkets for my family.

And sometimes even though I find myself desperately wishing to be separated from my home, I still really love my family.

I love my mom, dad, sister, brother, and even the super-annoying barking dogs.

Any day of the week I would gladly take a bullet for them.

***

I also have a huge heart, for those that are hurting, and alone and unloved. I can even pray for my neighbors who are greatly disliked and for the estranged members of my family.

I always try to find the good in some people. I don't like to put others down.

I believe that God has given me a heart for girls who are struggling with eating disorders and aspire to one day work with them in helping them overcome these challenges. I am not interested in the fame or publicity that could come from this job, but rather just want to tell the world who I am and where I've been and the events that have led me to my current destination.

***

I want to love the Lord my God with all my heart and soul and my mind. I want to be the person that He has created me to be and have a relationship with Him that is so solid, so strong, and deep, that nothing can ever tear it down. He has performed some amazing miracles in my life and continues to show me the depth of His love.

I am wonderfully and fearfully made.

There have been no mistakes in my creation.

***

But I think that out of all the things that comprise who I am, this one fact is the most important of all...

I AM NOT MY EATING DISORDER!

Synopsis

2009-02-09T22:03:00.000-08:00

Sunday

Sunday was a definite day of rest for me. I felt so tired from Habitat for Humanity that I really didn't feel like doing much. I actually fell asleep on the couch after my morning walk! I've never allowed myself to do that before. But I'm glad I did because it felt good!

For breakfast I had one of my new obsessions!

Oikos with Wheetabix!! So yummy!! Never fails to keep me full either.

Then for lunch I was CRAVING french toast, but I wanted to try something new. So I took the idea from Kiki to make carmelized apples, and topped my toasts with them! Delish! Thanks girl!

Since the weather was really...unpleasant...outside I went to the rec center to get in a good workout. I did about 15 minutes on the bicycle, and 15 minutes on the eliptical. Then I did some light weight training and stability ball exercises. Felt great!

After working out, I went with mi madre to go food shopping. Lately whenever I go food shopping I always feel a little down, because I would like to challenge myself but am too scared too. I also feel like I am missing something. I just can't wait for the day when I walk out of the store with a whole bunch of goodies in tow that I want to eat. Look at the size of this apple I found! It must be twice the size of a baseball!! This one's just for you Jamie!!

On the List

Granny Smith Apples

2 Packages of Firm Tofu

Loaf of No-Salt Bread

Amy's Low-Sodium Pinto Bean Soup (thought I'd try something new)

Private Selection's Low-Sodium Tomato Soup (can't get enough of this!!)

Assorted Frozen Veggies (brocolli carrot mushroom celery green bean mixes, this really helped with my early digestive issues this year).

Wallaby Low-Fat Vanilla Yogurt (never tried before but looked yummy!)

Cascade Lemon and Cherry Yogurts

OIKOS PLAIN!!! (I am soooooo happy they now carry it at our store!)

Plum tomatoes

Peeled Baby Carrots

Dinner was a delicious blend of veggies and some tofu and bean stirfry!

A satisfying meal to end the day!!

Sunday's Eats

Breakfast

Oikos Plain

2 Wheetabix

6 almonds

Granny Smith

Lunch

2 Slices No-Salt Bread

1 TB Peanut Butter

1/2c Liquid Egg Whites

1/2 Red delicious carmelized

Other half raw

Assorted Veggies

Cascade Cherry Yogurt

Snack

1/2c Blueberries

1c Silk Lite Vanilla

Dinner

6 oz Tofu

1/2c Kidney Beans

1 TB Nutrional Yeast

Assorted Veggies

All stir-fryed in Vegetable Broth

2 Clementines

Monday

For breakfast I went with my old favorite: Oatbran with PB and a Cascade Cherry Yogurt. This combination never fails to please, because it tastes like a cobbler. Then because I was on a time limit today, I grabbed a quick shower and got dressed for my jean-shopping trip!

I was SO nervous about today because it was my FIRST TIME EVER DRIVING ALONE ON THE HIGHWAY!!! (welllll...that is if you don't count my 1 1/2 hour detour into the city that one day when I got lost). The merge was the thing that I was most worried about. But when the time came, I accelerated steadily and made a smooth transition. A few minutes later and I was no longer afraid. I just cruised along having the time of my life. I can't wait to do it again!

After coming back from jean-shopping I whipped up this super-quick, yummy lunch before heading off to the rec center.

Isn't that plate gorgeous!! What we have here is one sliced orange bell pepper, slices of plum tomato, 2 oz of tuna, and 4 TBSP of Hummus. I also had a glass of warmed Silk Lite Vanilla with cocoa powder and 5 Melba Toasts. The pepper, believe it or not, was actually a challenge because for 1. It was a WHOLE pepper (small but still) and for 2. Usually I have a serving of steamed veggies for my meals.

At the rec center I was still feeling a bit down about the whole "leg" issue. I was actually nervous about exercising because I was afraid that I was just going to make my toned muscles even bigger. Boy was today hard...Anyways, I did some walking for about 15 minutes, jogged at a steady pace for 25 minutes, and then walked for the last ten minutes. Then it was lickedy-split, back home to prepare my dinner and off to work!

Thankfully the kids weren't so difficult to work with today. I actually felt less stressed when I was working with them, and managed to get a lot of their homework done. At about 5:15 my tummy started rumbling so I decided to challenge myself by snacking on my apples then instead of waiting to eat them with dinner. I am very proud to say that I listened to my hunger cues in this situation and when I was eating dinner I didn't miss their absence.

I packed some Tomato Soup with tofu cubes and Nutrional Yeast for dinner. I also ate some steamed veggies. Perfect!

And now if you would excuse me, it is waaaay past my bedtime and I NEED to turn in!

Goodnight!

Monday's eats

Breakfast

1/2c Oatbran

1 TB Peanut Butter

Granny Smith Apple

Cascade Cherry Yogurt

10 Carrots

Lunch

Sliced Pepper

4 TB Hummus

2 oz Tofu

Assorted Veggies

Slices of Plum Tomato

Granny Smith Apple

1c Silk Lite Vanilla

5 Melba Toasts

Snack

1c Silk Lite Vanilla

1/4c Blueberries

Dinner

6 oz Tofu

1c Private Selection Low-Sodium Tomato Soup

1 TB Nutritional Yeast

Assorted Veggies

Granny Smith Apple

You Ain't Nothing But a Hound Dog

2009-02-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

Well you ain't never made me happy, and ED you ain't no friend of mine!!

I am so glad this day is almost over! ED has been absolutely nipping at my heels, hounding me this entire day. It started before I left to go shopping for some new jeans. Everytime I look at my legs I always get discouraged and start feeling depressed because I think that they just look so huge. I am always comparing my body size to PRE-ED and POST-ED and DURING-ED, and I am never happy with the present. My body size has definitely changed a little bit, which is probably because I have never fully allowed myself to recover. Whenever I get up to that healthy weight, I freak and start restricting again. This in turn has wrecked havoc on my body and has resulted in slightly bigger proportions. Which I hate. But I am still trying and want to resume normal,healthy eating.

To be perfectly honest I really am tired of the restricting and the starving and just in general being afraid of food. I want to love who God has created me to be, and respect my body, and be at peace with food. I just need to learn how to TRUST first.

Anyways, I did end up getting a new pair of jeans!! Yea for jeans!!! I cannot tell you how desperate I was for jeans. My favorite pair is now seriously faded and makes even the "naturally" destroyed look sophisticated, and my other pairs are so big they threaten to expose my panties! Yikes! So at least now I can feel a little more confident at school and stuff.

ED still refused to give up, and continued to persist me for the remainder of the day, making me loathe and despair over my legs, my butt, my thighs etc. At one point I thought that I was going to burst into tears. I am so burned out from all of the negative body-bashing that I do. It makes me feel like crap.

I am sick and tired of this. It seems that no matter what I do to improve my appearance, I am never happy. If it's not my thighs, it's the size of my stomach, and when it's not my stomach it's the fact that my teeth aren't pearly white or my eyes look too red. Without even really trying that hard I can find any part on my body to pick apart and criticize. It never ends!!!

And so, I have resolved to STOP THE BODY-BASHING!!
This doesn't do any good for me. It only makes me feel even worse. It encourages restricting and more disordered eating behavior. It gives the Devil a foothold and entices the ED to come back. It just makes me feel miserable!!!!

No matter what I do, it's never Good Enough. And no matter how hard I try, I'm never Good Enough. So I just need to S T O P.

From now on, each day I am going to challenge myself not to body-bash. Instead, I am going to FIND features and traits that I like about myself and embrace them and give thanks.

It's going to be very difficult, because I tend to be very VERY critical when it comes to assessing myself. But it's one thing that I know I desperately need to start doing.

Love myself.

Learn to see me as God sees me.

Be thankful that I am who I am and that I am still alive.

Otherwise, I may never recover.

IF THIS POST WAS TRIGGERING IN ANY WAY (THE FIRST PART OF IT) I SINCERELY APPOLOGIZE! IN NO WAY DID I MEAN TO TRIGGER ANYBODY. MY BODY IS NOT ACTUALLY FAT RIGHT NOW, IT IS JUST NOT EXACTLY THE SIZE THAT I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE. BUT I AM WORKING ON LEARNING HOW TO ACCEPT MYSELF REGARDLESS OF SIZE.

Habitat for Humanity!!!

2009-02-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

Insert Mega-Giant Yawn here--

Wow, what a day!! I cannot believe how much fun I had today! It was amazing!!

My day started out bright and early at 5:30 this morning. After shaking out the sleep-dust from my eyes, I hopped in the shower, got dressed and prepared for my first time ever volunteering with Habitat for Humanity. I woke up a little earlier than I could have, because I had to finish wrapping up my package for my V-DAY buddy!!! But no worries, it got to the post office safe and sound and the goodies are on their way!! Sorry I was a little late girl! I cannot wait for you to see what I got you!!

Then I ate a quick breakfast and drove off to the construction-site.
I had no idea what to expect. The last time I volunteered it was with my church and we ended up doing some landscaping work and built a wall out of concrete slabs. Oh yea, you know how strong I am with my muscles!! haha
So I didn't know exactly if I was going to be painting, or installing cabinets, or pulling weeds or what. I just knew that I was going to be building something and it was going to be on a house.

Well when I got there, I saw this medium-sized two story house. It was almost a complete skeleton on the inside, and no carpeting or plaster had been installed yet. The guy who was in charge gave us a brief introduction of everything and then we all gathered in prayer before beginning our mission. I thought that was really cool.

Then he pulled our group aside and explained that we were in charge of putting the siding on the house.
Um, excuse me, what? What did you just say?! And just how am I supposed to do this? Do I look like a carpenter to you?!!!

Eventually I got over the shock and pitched in.

We worked for 8 hours straight today and let me tell you, I did it all! I helped measure siding, hauled it around, lifted it, and even nailed it in place. And I've never even used a hammer before! Did you know that hammering is really, really HARD? At first I was completely helpless and couldn't even get a nail to stick in the board. My whole group was laughing at me and joking around. My group leader said that I am probably the first and only person he has ever seen to use a hammer with both hands!! Hey, I think it's way easier! Plus you don't risk losing a thumb in the process. But by the end of the day I was almost a pro at it and left everyone in the dust....Naw just kidding :)

By about noon we broke for lunch which was catered by this nice gal down by the local donut shop. She brought everyone mondo chili-cheese dogs and two boxes of glazed, frosted, and sugared donuts. I was glad that I had thought to pack a lunch for myself ahead of time because I know that I wouldn't have been able to eat the meal. Then I would've starved and have hurt my body by doing so and that wouldn't have been good.

Towards the end of the day everyone was really tired and all to glad to help clean up the worksite before heading home. In total, we (just my group) paneled a good fourth of two sides of the house, up to the windows and I also did a little nailing inside as well. The owner of the house also worked with us and was really kind and sweet and appreciative of our help. We might even be thinking about going back in a little bit to help him with interior or exterior painting. But only if it's warm. It was FREEZING outside today and we all had a tough time working through the cold. But I'm still glad I helped. It was something I will never forget.

After working, I headed over to the rec center for a quick, fast-paced workout. Unfortunately ED was hounding me today about not getting exercise but I was able to push him aside while I was working, and just enjoy being with my good friends and having a good time. I also needed to warm up and get my blood flowing again, BAD! Then it was off to Safeway for some Greek-yogurt (the kind I bought at VC yesterday was not that good and tasted like a cheap imitation), home for a filling dinner, and an evening spent with my family watching episodes of Cosby and lounging in front of the fireplace.

Bliss.

Today's eats!

Breakfast
1/2c Oatbran
1 TB Peanut Butter
Cascade Lemon Yogurt
D'anjou Pear

Lunch, eaten at the construction site
2 Slices No-Salt Bread
3 oz of Tofu
Sliced Orange Pepper
Granny Smith Apple
Zen Soy Capucchino (I know I spelled that wrong)

I didn't really get to eat a snack today, although I did pack an Apple Pie Larabar just in case I needed the extra energy.

Dinner
Vegetables sauteed in Veggie Broth
4 TB of Hummus
5 Slices of Wheat Melba Toast
Granny Smith Apple
Oikos Plain with Cinnamon

PICTURE DAY!!

2009-02-06T20:11:00.000-08:00

Good evening ever-body. Hope you all are doing well.

I am SORE everywhere!! Yesterday in Strength Toning my teacher had us do a series fitness circuits. We had to do 4 minutes each of squats, scissors lunges, walking lunges, pushups, side bends, planks, jumping jacks, and other stuff. It was hard!! But I felt great afterward and I love feeling sore.

Today was kind of a long, hard day but I managed to pull through okay.

First of all I woke up this morning (early) to the sound of my sister fighting with my dad about not wanting to go to school. Eh. Not fun. Normally I wouldn't have allowed this affect my eating for the day because I get very upset when people in my family fight, BUT I have learned to work through the anger and sadness and not cut back!! Yea.

Later on in the day I walked to the library to chill and give myself time to calm down about the fight this morning. Even though it was REALLY windy all day, I found my walk to be quite enjoyable and relaxing. The sun rays beat down, the air was warm and I just felt good.

The rest of the day went okay too, although it was pretty--yawn--booooorrring.

But then after coming home from work, I had myself a d-licious dinner and went FOOD SHOPPING.

I never realized this, but I actually enjoy shopping for my own food. I like walking up and down the aisles, and scouting for new products that I can eat. I especially love going to Whole Foods and Vitamin Cottage! They have the best products, all natural, totally healthy and I love seeing the different varieties of food. Pumpkin seed butter, Carob Powder, Hempmilk:) It's like being in a museum. I love it. Sometimes I don't even need food, and I just go in to look around.

*****

I finally remembered to put the card in my phone so I can post pictures now!! Here's a little of what went down today.

Ate breakfast in my totally cute Valentine's bowl that I got at Safeway. This bowl makes me smile every time I use it, and just makes eating so much more fun!

After the library I was really really hungry and came back and prepared this for lunch.

That's an eggwhite and tuna patty-ish thing (I microwaved the eggwhite and the tuna together in a bowl) on my numero uno No-Salt bread, with one ounce of avochado and assorted veggies on the side. I also had a Granny Smith apple and a cup of Silk Lite Vanilla. Yummy.

I didn't get a chance to photograph my dinner, but here's some pics of food shopping!! Hehe the customers must have thought I was a loon. First I went to Albertsons, but I didn't get anything. I did find some cool looking stuff though.

Look at this! Wine Jelly from Italy. How cool is that?

Plus I found this

Did you know they sold biscotti in stores??? I didn't. BTW, biscotti is Italian. I learned that from my class this week:)

Well, Albertson's was a bust so I hopped on over to Vitamin Cottage to finish up my search.

After browsing around for a bit I headed straight for the yogurt for some Greek deliciousness.

But I found this instead! Greek yogurt with--gasp!--figs on the bottom!! It was too good to be true! Never before have I seen something quite so scrumptious looking. The fig is absolutely my FAVORITE fruit. I used to love snacking on the Nabisco Fig Newton's when I was a little girl. One of the days I am so going to eat the Newman's version! They look so yummy!!!

I ended up not going with the fig yogurt:( though. Sigh. Stupid ED said that it had waay to much fat in it. Pshaw. But I will be back to try it someday. Instead I ended up getting

Two containers of plain, non-fat
Greek Yogurt. I can't wait to eat it tomorrow with breakfast, because I've never tried this brand before.

I also got

Zen Soy Portable Cappuccino (also an Italian word) Soymilk!!! These are so gooooood!!! Brings back the good-ole days of sipping on frothy cappuccinos, aaahhhh.

I have a super big day tomorrow. I volunteered to help with Habitat for Humanity in my area and I am going to be working for like 8 hours straight. I'm really excited for this opportunity but a little nervous. I hope my body is strong enough to handle the hard work and I can at least be sensible to bring a little extra food for nourishment. Wish me luck!!

Here's the full eats!

Breakfast
1/2c Oatbran
1 TB Peanut Butter
Cascade Cherry Yogurt (mixed with the hot oatbran it tastes like a cherry cobler!! so goood!)
Granny Smith Apple
10 Carrots (for some weird reason I always crave carrots with breakfast)

Lunch
2 Slices No-Salt Bread
1/4c All Whites
About 1 oz of Tuna
Slices of Plum Tomato
Assorted Veggies
1 oz Avochado!
Red Delicious Apple
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla

Snack
1/2c of frozen blueberries (I am working on building up my snack again but I am happy I can at least to this. Soon I'm going to upgrade it to a full fruit and then after that more and then I won't be so nervous. I think it was stupid anyway that I cut out the snack though. I get soo hungry and I didn't have a problem eating it before. Stupid ED....)

Dinner
1c Private Selection Low Sodium Tomato Soup
1 TB Nutritional Yeast
6 oz of Tofu
Assorted Veggies
Granny Smith Apple

Yea I coulda done one more grain here, but I was feeling...cantankerous I suppose.

Well, goodnight girls!!

P.s. posting pictures is a PAIN!!! I keep having to move everything around!!!

V-DAY SHOPPING!

2009-02-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up pretty excited but nervous because I had an appointment to get my bangs trimmed.

I was starting to go blind they have gotten so long!!

Now, I know this may sound silly to some people but you have NO idea what I have been through in the past year concerning hair issues. It all started when my hair stylist that I had known for two years decided to retire early this summer. I was shocked when I heard the news and worried that I wouldn't be able to find another hair dresser as good as her. My hair stylist was a master stylist of 20 years, and always did an O-MAZE-ING job with my hair. She cut it perfectly every time and always gave me the cutest cuts. How I miss her....

Anyways I started going to this lady who I thought was pretty good. But then after a while I realized that I had made a terrible mistake!!!
She cut my bangs crooked, and thinned it out way too much. I was okay with this for a while until....IT.....happened.

SQUARE HAIR!!!!!

It was all I could do not to cry. My beautiful hair had been ruined. I never thought I could ever like my hair again. Thankfully, now most of the awful SQUARE-NESS has disappeared, and I have a decent-looking do. But I can tell some parts of it still need to grow some more.

Anyways, the appointment went great and I am happy to have my good-ole bangs back again.
Then afterwards I went to TAR-JAY for v-day shopping!!!! I am super excited to send off my little package of goodies for my v-day buddy!!! I had so much fun picking out the stuff, although I think I worried too much that they wouldn't like it. Eh.

I also couldn't resist picking up some valentine socks with cupcakes and candies on them for myself! hehe.

I love socks....

The rest of the day was okay, just kind of slow and boring. I went to work, fought to maintain patience with the kids, came home and am finishing up my paper for Sosh class.

Here's the eats!

Breakfast
2 Wheetabix biscuits and
OIKOS PLAIN BABY!!!
1 TB Peanut Butter
Granny Smith Apple

Lunch

ugh, lunch didn't exactly work out today. I was planning on having hummus with crackers and stuff but the hummus went bad so I had to hurriedly figure something else out.

3 oz Tofu
1 oz Avochado
1 TB Nutritional Yeast
1 TB Private Selection Low-Sodium Tomato Soup
5 Melba Toasts
Assorted Veggies
Small pink lady apple

So I mixed together the tofu and NY and Soup and kinda just used it as a spread for the crackers but I was still unsatisfied and hungry so I nixed the other 3 melba toasts and had--

1 c Kashi Puffs

Cascade Lemon Yogurt

I hate it when my meals get messed up....grr....

Snack

1 c Silk Lite Vanilla and

1/2c blueberries with 3 strawberries

(it may not look like much but I am working on getting something back in there!!)

Dinner

6 oz Tofu cooked in cinnamon

Assorted Veggies

Granny Smith Apple

1/2c Pumpkin Puree and 2 TB Wheat Germ

Yea I was in a weird mood for food today....

I Think I'm Ready to Fly

2009-02-04T14:47:00.000-08:00

Well, the jury is in and they have settled on a verdict. I need to gain back weight. My mom told me straight up yesterday afternoon that she has made an appointment with my nutritionist again. There is no backing out. I know I need to do this but I still can't help but be scared. All these what-ifs keep circling around my head, "What if my body gets even bigger?" "What if I gain too much weight?" "What if I'm not very active some days?" What-if, what-if, what-if.

But I have learned a couple of things in the past two months or so. First of all, I am nearing my twenties. My body is going to change in size and shape, regardless of how little I eat or what weight I intentionally force myself to stay at.

I am a woman.

I am developing and my body is supposed to be developing. When I first started having an ED, I was about 15 years old. That was a long time ago. When I was discharged from the EDU, that was over 2 years ago. And, like it or not, my body has changed since then and I will not always be able to be as small as I was before. For the first time in my life, I need to learn how to accept and love my body for what it is. To embrace my curves, and feel confident about looking healthy and happy and strong. Ever since I was a little girl I have always struggled with hating my body. From the embarrassing days in gymnastics, walking around on the mats in my leotard and just feeling so HUGE, to when one of my friends' brothers called me fat, I have never liked the person that I saw in the mirror.

So many personal issues are wrapped up in my ED.

But I desperatley want to look beyond them.

I want to stop hanging on to my past, and focus on creating a new future, a new life for myself.

I want to completely enjoy myself without contanstanly worrying about what other people think of me.

I want to be able to LOVE myself, and learn to have forgiveness for my mistakes and focus on the wonderful live God has set before me.

I want to be able to go to parties and actually, maybe eat some of the food and not worry anymore.

I want to stop making excuses for my eating behaviors, and not be ashamed to tell others my story.

I want to smile.

I want to laugh.

I WANT TO LIVE

But most importantly, I want to be

F R E E

I know that I can do this. A part of me does want to get better. I know that a small part of me really wants to move forward because sometimes when I go food shopping I see a really yummy- looking, healthy food product that I want to try. And I wish that I could eat it, but I'll hold off on buying it because I'm still afraid. So I know that one part of me is ready, but the other part is still holding on, afraid to change.

I just have to give over total control to God....

Take that giant leap of faith....

And trust that everything is going to be alright.

It's going to be a long, hard, stressful, tiresome, and difficult road.

But I think I am ready.

Open Your Eyes

2009-02-03T21:44:00.000-08:00

I should really be going to bed right now, but I just had to get this out.

While battling my eating disorder over a period that has been far too long, I have found that in the most unexpected times, I am able to look beyond my distored perception of my body, and see who I really am. I was fortunate to have one of these experiences today. It was this morning, while I was getting ready for school. Already in a rush, I was hastily trying to find some nice clothes to wear while desperately pleading with my hair to just "please look normal for once." I had just thrown on a sports bra and my new pair of workout pants, when I just happened to see my reflection in the mirror. And I couldn't believe what I saw. Somehow God had momentarily lifted the thick veil from eyes and allowed me to see just how emanciated my body has become recently. I saw the unnatural slimness of my waist, the jutting shoulder bones, and my tiny profile. Instead of glorifying the thinness of my body like I usually do and lovingly tracing the bones, I was shocked by my appearance. I literally said, "Oh my God," out loud.

I'm not going to lie, but lately I have been sort of hoping to lose weight, convinced that I am larger than I need to be, and have started restricting again. I really don't know where my head was though, thinking that I could lose some flab and inches without actually losing weight. I mean I am already at a low BMI, so losing more weight is just a bad idea. I guess that I just thought I could go back to being super skinny, but I really didn't think about the consequences.? Stupid I know. But I really can't believe that it has gotten this far. Sigh. Just the cunning works of an eating disorder. Did I mention that anorexia is a full on pain in the butt, yet? Well, it is. It never ceases to amaze me just how deceptive, and tricky and sly our EDs are. We all really need to keep on our toes and pray for protection and strength to recognize and fight it off.

After seeing myself in the mirror, the rest of my perspective this morning slightly changed. I went downstairs and had some delicious carrot-cake oats (Kiki, you are a genius!) but felt a little guilty about how little I was eating. In my first year of dealing with anorexia, this familiar guilt usually lead me to binge-eat or eat on impulse in a desperate attempt to--I don't know what, get better maybe? Anyways, I felt this same urge but resisted it, knowing that it wasn't an effective way to overcome my ED because this behavior always makes me revert back. Although I saw how thin I was this morning, I still couldn't fight off the demands to stick to the same amount of food for breakfast. Bummer.

Then in health class we watched this movie about how incredible our bodies are. While watching this movie I was absolutely amazed at how God not only designed the physical appearances of our bodies, but the inner workings as well, so that everything would work together in harmony. I was amazed at how intricately each individual's system is and how our bodies know how to function in a crisis. For instance, did you know that our muscles store energy so that during the most crucial and life-threating moments, they can release all that energy in one great burst to give us super-human capabilities like lifting a massive boulder off our chests? Totally blew me away. And, did you know that our hip bones alone are so durable that they can withstand the weight of one ton, before snapping under pressure. Needless to say all of this information made me feel extremely guilty about the damage that I have inflicted upon my body. I mean, God has given this incredible body, with muscles and fibers that can do the most simplest tasks like lifting a glass of water, to the unthinkable like surviving a fall down the stairs at the age of 2. My body is God's temple and I really need to learn how to love and take care of my body, and respect it.

Unfortunately, the revelations did not last long. As the day progressed, I began to feel more and more sluggish and more and more fat (ugh). By the time I was driving to work, ED was in full force once again and demanded control. I did my best to fight him off, but I know that I could've done better. I ended my day with a workout at the rec center, and finished watching the movie, Clueless, which was totally cute.

I know that God is desperately trying to reach me these days in every little and big way that He can. The daily verses that I get in my mailbox are all about trusting Him and letting Him handle problems, as well as the inspirations from Girlfriends in God and Proverbs 31. I know that what I am doing is wrong, and I know that I need to stop, and I need to start eating more again. I even want to stop sometimes, and just be normal again. But this is so hard!! Most times I can't even separate my thoughts from the ED thoughts, and although I felt like I was trying to have my problem again, I realize that it was ED just pulling me down, tempting me with a juicy lure. And I took it, hook, line, and sinker. I don't even know where it all started happening. Two months ago I was doing fine, and great and then the next moment I was faced with this huge lie, that I foolishly believed. And now look where I am. Not very far from where I was last year. But I am fighting, with every ounce I have left, even if most of me has already given in to defeat. I am not going to let ED win. I will not let him win.

Today's eats!

Breakfast
Carrot-cake oats
1/2c Oatmeal cooked with
Various spices
5 Shredded carrots
1/2c Silk Lite Vanilla
1 TB Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt (not that it really matters. One of the gains that I have made in recovery is being able to allow myself tiny "extras" like so without freaking out about them. A big step for me.)
6 almonds
and
1/2c Silk Lite Vanilla on the side
1 Small Red Pear

Lunch
I had the most delicious sandwich! So yummy!
2 Slices No-Salt Bread w/
3 ounces sliced Tofu
5 more shredded carrots (btw ED has this weird rule about eating more than 10 carrots a day...something about the carbs and sugar. BUT it used to be 5 so this is progress at least).
2 TB Hummus
and
Assorted Veggies
6 strawberries
Oikos Honey on the Bottom Greek Yogurt (bliss I tell you, bliss)

Snack
I was starving and although I felt shamefull because I caved, it was the right thing. Right? Sometimes I find myself cheering myself on for eating less. I guess this is ED, though. I used to think it was just me. Ugh, it's so hard distinguishing b/t the two.
4 strawberries
1c Silk Lite Vanilla warmed for 2 min in the microwave with 1 TB cocoa powder
1 more carrot (take that ED!)

Dinner
Assorted Veggies
2 oz of Tuna
1 TB Hummus
1/2c Kashi Pilaf
1 Granny Smith Apple

Also, I have been trying to challenge myself lately with doing different types of fruit, instead of just the hard ones. I always like to have fruit with my meals (partly an ED thing, partly becaue I heart fruit) but I am trying to branch out from just apples and pears all the time.

Good night girls! I hope everyone has a restful sleep and your days are totally ED-Free tomorrow!

Bowling, Yogurt, and New Shoes!

2009-02-02T16:14:00.001-08:00

Wow, I can't believe I actually made it through the week. At one point I thought it would never end.

On Saturday my friends called me up out of the blue and spontaneously decided that we were going to go BOWLING!!! Oh yea! I seriously love bowling! I even love the bowling shoes (minus the small, minor detail about how only like a million people have worn them before me) because they come in wacky colors and make you gliiide across the floor. So much fun....

Now I don't mean to brag or anything but I can bowl a pretty mean game. Naturally, I didn't win the first round--that was just a warm up, and I didn't want to show off. But let me tell ya by the second game I was on FI-YA! Ha! ha! Actually I only came in second place..but I did roll one strike out of the three games that we played, so I think I did pretty well.

There was this one guy who we went with claimed that he had never gone bowling before. Seriously? Who hasn't gone bowling? It's like a rite of passage or something. The hottest birthday party event for little kids. NO body has never gone bowling before! So we were like in complete shock and kept trying to get him to join in with us, but he refused! Finally, by the third game he agreed to play with us just for fun. Well, for somebody who has never bowled in his entire life, this guy totally creamed us. It was like this guy had been gifted with some sort of natural talent. Pshh, beginner's luck.

After bowling we still wanted to hang out some more so then we went to WalMart to look at some socks and get some ice cream. I didn't get any ice cream though because I still have some fear issues to work on. It's also crazy to eat at 12:00 at night. And when my friends asked me why I didn't want any I said that I was tired and then I said that calories at this hour are negative anyway to make people laugh. By the time I got home it was past 1 and when my head hit the pillow I didn't wake up until 9:30 the next morning. It was quite a fun night!

The next day my madre took me shopping for some new running shoes!!! I love getting a new pair of running shoes, feeling the firmness of fresh leather between my fingers as I lace them up for the first time, and the crisp colors virgin to the dusty outdoor weather and a rugged terrain. I got me a pair of some jet black Nike's with little pink Nike signs on the sides. BTW, Nike is the ONLY way to go. Just do it!

I have also been wanting to tell you about my newest obsession: Greek Yogurt!! I swear since that one day I bought it for dinner last week, I have not been able to go a day without this stuff. So rich, and creamy and thick! It's perfect for pairfaits or eaten straight out of the container.Love love love my Fage and Oikos, love love love it. I'm eating it right now too:)

Here's the eats for today

Breakfast
Oat Bran w/cinnamon
Granny Smith Apple
6 almonds
Cascade Cherry Yogurt
5 carrots

Lunch
French Toast! (I eat this waaay too much, lol)
2 Slices No Salt Bread
1/2c Liquid Egg Whites
1 TB Peanut Butter
2 TB Silk Lite Vanilla and lottsa cinnamon
Assorted Veggies
Small red pear
5 carrots

Snack
1/2c Blueberries and Strawberries

Dinner
Assorted veggies w/
2 TB Hummus
Container of Oikos Plain Greek Yogurt w/
1 c Kashi Heart to Heart
1/2c Blueberries and Strawberries

I've really been struggling with body image, my body, and food lately so that is why some of my meals have been cut back. I am really trying, but some days everything is just too much. I would really appreciate some support or advice or anything. Thanks, you gals are the best!!

School is also kicking my butt lately so my posts may be more infrequent. And there is a sequel to Hold on Tight, I just haven't gotten to posting it yet. hum de hum. Tonight I gots to study for an Italiano test (Oy vey!) and do some Sosh homework.

Arrivederci!

[that's italian for good-bye:)]

Hold On Tight Part 1

2009-01-31T06:32:00.001-08:00

Sorry I have been absent lately. A lot of things have been going on in my life and my mind is going in a million directions. I have a lot to worry about like recovery, school, my job, and my family life at home. So many things are ammounting to the stress in my life and right now I just can't deal with it. Everything is just too much.

If it's alright with everyone, I think I'm going to use this space to just vent for awhile. Sorry if I come off as being a bit of a Negative Nellie today. Or a Pessimistic Patty. Or a Depressing Debby. Or...you get the idea...

I'll just start with the easy stuff.

So this week marked my first official week of school in which I had a full schedule of classes. I like all of my teachers so far and I actually enjoy learning about the different topics that we are discussing. In Sosh class the other day we had a hot, and I mean HOT debate about society's perception of beauty. Everybody was talking about how we are expected to fit into this perfect, cookie-cutter mold in order to be accepted. Women are preferred to be tall and thin, while men are preferred as being muscular (but not too bulky) as well as dashingly handsome. A lot of kids voiced some pretty strong opinons on how they felt about these qualifications so to speak. Everyone agreed that it was unfair and injust. Everyone that is....except this one guy.

From the back of room, this tiny little Mexican voice rose above the chattering noise, just daring to challenge us. "So what if that's how this country wants us to look like. I personally believe that if we want live in this country then we need to look like they want us to in order to be accepted."

My mouth dropped to the floor. I couldn't believe how arrogant, and pigheaded this guy was. In case you were wondering he was dressed as a typical prep, and was wearing a fancy hoodie, white-washed jeans, and a large BATMAN buckle on his belt.

Then this other kid mentioned how more and more women are starting to diet themselves down to skeletal proportions because of the pressure that they are constantly facing to meet this ideal.

And the Mexican guy continued, "So? Some guys actually think that that's attractive."

And then we all slaughtered him. He never had a chance....

Actually it was really kind of sad and very eye opening just to see how ignorant some people really are to the severity of an eating disorder. Some people just plain don't get it. I was actually shocked to hear how this guy obviously lusted after women who are walking skeletons and wondered just how much damage the media has impacted on the collective minds of society. Even though I was too shy to speak a word of anger to this guy, inside I was fuming. It's these kinds of issues that really rub my skin the wrong way. They make me want to start a revolution and do something--anything to stop this behavior.

You may tell me that we have an obesity epidemic on our hands, but I say that we are blowing this way out of proportion. By teaching grade-school children about how to calculate the number of fat grams and carbohydrates in our food we are putting way too much focus on food. They are being discouraged to be fat and encourage to slim down, eat less and exercise more. Now I'm all for the whole "health" thing but I think that there is a more responsible and less extreme way to approach this. Have you noticed lately how every major food line and televesion commercial are toting products that scream "Eat This, Not That!" and "Only 100 calories and fat free!" In the long run, we are essentially not teaching children how to be more mindful of what they eat. Children are very influential and impressionable beings. Therefore, by constantly telling them that what they are eating is unhealthy, we are teaching them to be afraid of food. Furthermore, because fat is no longer an acceptable characteristic among precious pig-tailed girls and mussy-haired boys, we are teaching children the hard-learned lesson of acceptance in this world. To put it simply, fat is bad. My heart just screams at the injustice of this all! We should not be putting so much emphasis on health that we are training kids to think that a little extra pudge makes them unworthy. We should not be weighing kids at school and offering core nutrition classes in 5th grade. Their minds are too young! I say if the school has a problem with the way a child looks, they should take it up with the child's parents, not impose it upon the rest of the students. I have a young sister who comes home every so often with new information about what she learned in her health class. One year she even announced that she was banning soda as a part of a school project (if she successfully completed this, they win a prize at the end of the year). She is also terribly ashamed and self conscious of her body, and refuses to wear a coat in even the most frigid weather, for fear that it will make her look "even fatter than she already is." Can you believe this?! By jumping on this band wagon that the media has latched onto, we are telling kids that in order to be accepted and liked today, they must not be fat. In fact, society is so preoccupied with achieving this ideal, that they are completely overlooking the more imporant issue at hand. These are the perfect grounds for cultivating an eating disorder. Did you know that the youngest anorexic case was reported at being only six (SIX!) years old? Children are the youth of this country. They need to know that they are worthy and loved no matter what size or shape they may be. I hope that one day, somebody wakes up and realizes this importance, before a monster is created that cannot be stopped.

Eh hem. Now excuse me while I dismount from my high horse.

I'm a Mad Mad Mad Mad Girl

2009-01-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

Yea, that pretty much sums it up. So today ED really had it in for me and made me feel just awful and depressed for most of the day. I am really having a hard time with eating a sensible amount for my body, because I am still afraid of putting on excess weight when I get to my maintenace point. I feel like I totally screwed up my body by not trusting it and by not trusting God and sending my body spiraling downward again after gaining in IP. Now my body has a higher body fat percentage even at a low weight and I'm just really anxious and worried about gaining because of this. I really feel that I just need to lose it all so that I can start over again and not have this huge cloud of dread hanging over my head.

BUT this wouldn't be such a big problem if I could just learn to love my body, curves or no curves. I'm trying though, and it's a long, long, LONG, hard road.

So I internalized this sadness today by being mad. I went to the rec center and I was mad, and I madly worked up a mad sweat in all my madness and then I glared at the attendants as I left. (dark chuckle)

Then I drove home and I was even madder because this stupid car in front of me was speeding, and "why can't the cops ever pull over the ones who are doing 10-over instead of picking on the ones who only just coast over the speed limit."

When I got home, I made some mad French Toast, with mad eggs because I've realized that it was stupid trying to go vegetarian (no offense to the veggies out there, really) and that cutting back this drastically was just another foothold for my ED.

Then I drove to my college and was mad the whole way there because I swear I hit about every single red light and this DATS truck was starting to creep up on my bumper. And I wanted to hit my brakes--madly of course--but then I thought it over and rationalized that doing so would be incredibly stupid and he would just quash me into a mad little puddle anyways. And that would not be good, seeing as how I do not want to die.

At my college I was incredibly bummed to find that the total cost for my books would ammount to about 300 someodd dollars. And yes, this intensified my madness. Seeing that I still had a little time to spare I bee-bopped on over to King Soopahs for a Fage 0% high protein yogurt for my dinner tonight. And after wasting some time there--in a mad hurry mind you--I drove back home.

And then I was late for work. And I was mad. And then I found out that I hadn't entered this new customer's information correctly. But that made me sad instead of mad. And then when the kids came in I was afraid that I was going to explode into either a million tears or blow my top clean off, but then one of the kids came over to me and he started pretending that his hand was a puppet and put on a cute little, kiddie show. And I couldn't help but smile. A big, long, tired smile that had gone into hiding earlier this morning. And it felt good.
__________________________________________________________________

But Tuesday was awesome. We did a fitness test for my weight training class and I actually did pretty good. Everyone was supposed to complete a series of pushups and crunches for two minutes without stopping once to hold the pose, or rest. If we stopped, game over. Well, I would have never guessed it, but this little scrawny girl with twigs for arms completed 36 pushups and 49 crunches (boo ya baby! I guess I'm not so weak afterall!)

Tomorrow we are supposed to do the mile run--OUTSIDE. We would've done it on Tuesday but the wind was a-blowing, and the sky was a-snowing, and I was NOT about to freeze. So we're going to do it on Thursday instead. I'm half praying that it'll snow so we don't have to, but our teacher said the temp. has to be at least 30 degrees for good running weather. Wish me luck!

Literature class was boring and seemed really complicated so I think (scratch that) I am going to switch out and take Italian Language 1 instead. I'm pretty excited for this class because my heritage is mainly Italian and I have relatives who live in Italy. Some day I'm going to go visit them...

But I liked Sociology class and I do not want to drop this one. This is because..........

I MET A GUY!

He is really cute and seems smart and has these totally amazing hazel colored guys and the kindest smile. I sat right behind him. He kept turning to me and talking to me during our assignment and even invited me to demonstrate our findings on the board. At first I thought that he was just being kind, but then he kept looking at me. My brain was like, "No way, is this for real? No way! This guy is actually smiling at me. At me!" And I didn't even think I looked that great because I didn't take off my coat and my face was red from being outside in the cold air.

The only problem is that I don't yet know his name.....

Anways, thanks for allowing me to vent a little girls. I really appologize if what I wrote was triggering to anybody. Please know that I never, NEVER, N E V E R, ever mean to do that.

Here's my eats!

Breakfast
1/4 c cooked oatmeal mixed with
1 c Kashi Puffs and some cinnamon (interesting combo)
1 TB Peanut Butter
Cascade Lemon Yogurt
Granny Smith Apple

Lunch
French Toast made w/
1/2 c Liquid Allwhites
2 slices No Salt Bread
2 TB Silk Lite Plain
and
Assorted Veggies
2 TB Hummus
About a cup of Silk Lite Plain
Small Pink Lady Apple (i think it was pink lady)

No snack today :( I gave in to ED

Dinner
Fage 0%
1 TB Peanut Butter
2 Wheetabix biscuits
2 small clementines
Assorted veggies

See ya guys tomorrow--hopefully with my mystery man's name!

Exercising Restraint yah!

2009-01-27T15:42:00.000-08:00

Right now I am at work, trying to soothe my incredibly annoying dry eyes, whiile listening to one of the little kids that I watch have a complete meltdown. This is her second one today. The first time she burst into tears because one of the girls was sitting in her window-well, and she balled up in a corner for about 15 minutes refusing to calm down. Now she is upset because she left her lunchbox at school and is completely miserable (obviously noted due to the waterfall of tears), and will not have "any energy for karate class." Most days I am usually compassionate and try to help them work through their crises, but lately these kids have just drained every last ounce of my energy. Ugh...only 2 more hours to go...

Yesterday actually went pretty well. I managed to challenge my ED by only exercising for 45 minutes, rather than the usual hour. It was pretty challenging and although I did cut back slightly on my snack (by one grain and one satiety, that's ED code for fat:), I am pretty dern proud of myself. I was even tempted to attend my martial arts class tonight but decided against it after no one showed up. I was thiiiiiis close to going and burning some more calories but I didn't (thank God only one person showed up or I would have definitely given in).

Instead I went food shopping at Safeway for a while to burn up some time before I went home. UGH! Safeway was a complete bust--THEY HAVE NOTHING!!! No greek yogurt, no tofu, no amy's veggie burgers, practically no organic anything, and no No-Salt Bread!! What will I ever do without my lovely, delish Alverado St. No-Salt Bread? I am so sticking to King Soopah's from now on. But the trip wasn't a complete waste. Before I headed out the door my eye caught the Valentine's display, and I snagged this really cute, breakfast bowl. It's a light bubblegum pink color, spotted with red, pink, and white hearts. Totally cute and totally me! I'll try and post a pic of it tomorrow.

I'll also went to the library and rented some great reads. It bothers the living daylights out of my mom whenever I say "rent" books, but I don't care, that's just how I roll. The stuff I got was:
Geek Magnet--haven't read yet but looks good
Twisted--by Laurie Halse Anderson, absolutely one of my fav authors. Her writing style is so unique and captivating and Speak was just amazing!
27 Dresses--this looked really funny and I can't wait to watch some of it tonight
Thr3e--for mi hermano. I'm tellin ya, you have to read this. It is an absolute page turner, and even though I read it like a year ago, I still get the chills thinking about the ending. Go OUT and READ it NOW!!!

For Eats Yesterday I had:

Breakfast
1/2 c Oatbran (oh my sweet, sweet oatbran, how I've missed you!)
1 TB Almond Butter
Cascade Lemon Yogurt
Fuji Apple

Lunch
Wow! Lunch was super yummy yesterday! After coming back from my workout I was craving something warm to chase away the winter blues. So I heated up this new soup by Private Selection that I found and tossed in a bit of Nutritional Yeast to give it a cheesy taste. It really hit the spot and brought back the good ole days of eating hot tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches, but with a healthier kick to it.
3/4 c Private Selection Reduced Sodium Creamy Tomato Soup
1 TB Nutritional Yeast
1 Slice No Salt Bread w/
2 TB Hummus
3 oz Tofu (cubed and mixed in the soup)
Assorted Veggies
Granny Smith apple (lol we have a lot of these)

Snack
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla
1 c Kashi Puffs
3 almonds

Dinner
Wasn't much fun just threw a bunch of stuff in a tupperware container to heat up for later. FYI I have to eat all of my weekday dinners at work. Not fun, cuz my options are limited, I have to work while I eat, the space is small and I am worried about germs, and I have to stand while eating.
1/3 block of Tempeh
3 oz of Tofu
Assorted Veggies
Another Granny Smith (gotta luv em!)

Welp! Hope ya'lls day was simply amazing. I will post the second half (today's happenings) later on. Until then, CIAO!

Sunday...Hallelujah!

2009-01-25T18:58:00.000-08:00

Good evening girls! Not a whole lot happened today except for going to church and the gym and grocery shopping, so I'll spare you some of the boring details. Let's start with the eats though shall we?

Breakfast
Totally Yummy Carrot Cake Oats, curteousy of the lovely Kiki. This is my second time making it and I have got to tell you, I am hooked. Here's how I made it:

1/2 c oatmeal
1 TB Vanilla Yogurt
5 shredded carrots (great way to get in your veggies in the manana)
Cinnamon, Cloves, Nutmeg and a dash of Ginger to taste
1/2 c Silk Lite Vanilla
Yummo!
and
1 fuji apple on the side
6 almonds

Lunch
I was feeling a little adventurous but not really in the mood for anything sweet so I decided to make....... Hummus French Toast (bare with me, it was actually pretty good, though VERY filling)

What you do is heat up the stovetop like normal, and prepare your batter using:

1/2 c Liquid Allwhites
Dried Chives to taste
1 TB Silk Lite Vanilla
2 Slices of No Salt Bread (or whatever your preference)

Make the two slices of French Toast and then spread one half with 2 TB hummus and 1 oz of avochado, top it with the other slice and enjoy!

I also had it with
1 granny smith apple
Assorted veggies
Cherry tomato

Snack
Banana Bread Lara Bar (I had to eat my snack in the grocery store while me and my mom were shopping, cuz I didn't have enough time to eat it at home. It was very...um...awkward...but still totally yummy! But I was really proud of myself that I didn't give in to my ED and skip eating my snack like I used to in the past. I kept it hidden in my pocket and periodically tore off bites off it because I was afraid that one of the store clerks would think I was stealing and nab me! I know, crazy right?)

Dinner
1/2 c Kashi 7 Grain Pilaf (so yummy, it's like a sophisticated version of rice)
3 oz of cooked tofu
Cherry Tomato
Assorted veggies
1 small red pear
Cascade Lemon Yogurt

About the only exciting thing that happened this morning was that it snowed. For once I actually wasn't too worried and was able to enjoy the delicate snowfall outside that blanketed our small (SMALL) town. As I was driving around today I could actually see each individual structure of the delicate snowflakes that landed on my window. And just as quickly as they landed, they melted away into a small puddle, leaving behind only the memory of their existence. Wow, I'm getting all poetic here. I just thought that it was really neat how even in the tiniest, most insignificant places if we would take the time to slow down and look at the world around us, we can see evidence of God's magnificent hand in creation. Like the blossoming of a flower bud into a plump, succulent apple--amazing.

Church today also had a powerful message that I would like to share with you. Right now we are doing a series about how to get unstuck in your life. Very relevant. The message was simply this:

"Even though I may not be happy where I am right now, thank God I am not where I used to be."

Very true.

Good night girls, and God bless!

Happy Day!

2009-01-24T21:14:00.000-08:00

So after my little revelation, today was pretty much amazing!
I hopped on over to the gym for a quick workout and was able to get my thoughts straight...for once.
Today I did:

15 minutes of walking on the track
12 minutes of eliptical
12 minutes of this stair stepper, thingy
5 minutes of bicycling
5 minutes of jogging

In fact, I was still fuming over my ED that I only did about 50 minutes of exercise, rather than my usual hour. Take that ED.

After my workout, I headed back home and prepared for my VERY FIRST BABY SHOWER!!!

No the shower wasn't for me, but thanks for asking:)

The shower was so much fun. So many people were there and the mom-to-be was just glowing and everyone was so happy! I had a great time! For one of the activites I decorated a one-sie with fabric markers and paint. The edges were adorned with little pink dots, and I drew a couple of cute purple daisies all over the front of the suit. Then I added a tiny little bumble bee, complete with a dashed flying pattern. It was supposed to be a bumble bee anyway--the marker that I was using ended up bleeding together the bee's stripes and resulted in a very sloppy, mangled mess. After I cleaned him up a bit with some fabric paint I managed to salvage his (and my) dignity. But he still ended up looking like a flying easter egg with wings....oh well.

We also had this contest to guess what kind of candy was in the diaper. On the table the hosts had laid out 5 diapers and everyone was supposed to pick them up, smell them, and write down their guesses. When you opened up the diaper to peak inside, there was smooshed candy made to look like POOP! It was totally cute and I guessed the most correctly!

So after the shower I came back home, had myself a lov-el-ly dinner, and relaxed in front of the fireplace with a whole newspaper full of crossword puzzles, and jumbles, and cryptoquips galore. It was a very relaxing day, and practically ED free.

Here's my eats for the day: Ignore the recent cut-backs, I'm still trying to work some things through. And...I might....um...be going back to my dietican...might....

Breakfast
1/2 c oatmeal, sprinkled with some cinnamon
1 fuji apple
Cascade Lemon Yogurt with
2 tsp of Almond Butter

Lunch
Amy's Bistro Burger (WAAAAY better than Boca anyday)
1/2 c edamame beans
1/2 c assorted veggies
1 d'anjou pear
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla

Snack (because I was at the baby shower I didn't really get to eat much of a snack :(
A couple slices of pear and apple
3 strawberries
A whole bunch of celery sticks
Some pepper strips and zucchini

Dinner
2 slices No Salt Bread
3 ounces of tofu blended and then warmed with
2 TB Hummus
2 cherry tomatoes
Dried chives

Some more assorted veggies (I always kinda eyeball how much I want)
1 granny smith apple
Cascade Cherry Yogurt

Well, I am off to bed because my body is tired and I'm excited about going to church tomorrow. Sleep well ever-body!

Oh...and in other news my family has discovered Peanut Butter Puffins and are rapidly eating my stash!! I may have to hide them....

I've Been Had!!!

2009-01-24T16:34:00.000-08:00

That's right!! I've been had--by my own eating disorder!!! I tell you I am so mad right now that I am FUMING! Here's the story:

For a while now, about a couple of weeks, I have been really really nervous about my body and about the whole prospect of regaining weight again. I have lost about 5 or 6 pounds since last year, and still need about 10 more to reach a healthy weight. So, somewhere along the lines I started restricting and cutting back on meals and certain foods and exercising a little bit more. At first I was like, why am I doing this? This is stupid, I should just stop. But the more and more I did it, the harder it got to stop. Well the reason why I am apprehensive about gaining weight is because I believe and often feel that my body is bigger than it was before at the same weight. So, I felt that if I were to keep gaining weight, my body would just keep expanding and end up being bigger than it had ever been before....

So you can understand my fear.

As a result I have been constantly comparing my body now to how it was before and freaking out and thinking that I was fat and that I should be waaaay smaller for the low weight that I am at. BUT!! The other day I was looking up some of my old doctor's records from when I was released from the EDU. And do you know what I found??????

I found calculations that detailed my various stages of weight gain during those few months.

That's right, I found out how much I weighed after I was released.

This has always bothered me because I have a faulty memory (thanks a lot ED) and was never sure exactly what weight I was released at. So, this morning I pulled out the information and compared it to my personal list of measurements that I took of my body. I know I know, very ED like, but for some reason I just wanted to record it all to remember it.

Guess what? The measurements of my body now, match the weight that I was 2 years ago. Do you know what that means?

THAT MEANS THAT THIS ENTIRE TIME ED HAS BEEN DECEIVING ME INTO BELIEVING THAT I WAS BIGGER!!!!!! BUT I'M NOT!!!!!

I couldn't believe how sneaky this little creep was that he could just slink into my life, AGAIN, and pull the wool over my eyes. This completely changes everything now. I am not as scared of gaining weight, because I know that my body is not going to gain excess inches. I still don't like the weight gain part though, so it is going to take some work....

This just goes to show how conniving, devious, and sick our ED's are. They can ensnare us even when we think that life is going great. Keep fighting girls!! We can do this!!

Back to School!

2009-01-23T07:53:00.000-08:00

Well this has definitely been a long, hard week. I really appreciate all of the comments and help that I have been getting. Sorry if I get a little emotional, depressing, and obsessive at times.

The first day back in college did not go so well as planned. My first period, Toning and Sculpting class, was pretty fun and we did some ker-razy exercise for our hamstrings and armstrings and ummm strings.... Everyone in the class was struggling after the first couple of seconds, and even though I am used to most exercise like squats and lunges, even my legs were on fire! I had no idea that I was that weak, so I hope that I can rebuild a lot of the muscle that my stupid ED has taken away. We also did one of those dorky introduction exercises where everybody goes around and tells 3 bizarre things about their themselves. I actually like sharing and hearing this kind of stuff, so I had fun with it.

Here are my 3 bizarre facts:
1. I work at a Martial Arts Studio (very true. A large part of the job is taking care of 5-6 kids, ages 6-11. They are a real handful at times, and definitely keep me on my toes. Sometimes, if they do something super crazy, like set a poptart on fire in the microwave, I'll post it. I also get to take free classes as a perk! Right now I am on my yellow belt--up from white--and with my long legs I can totally kick yo butt! :)

2. I like to collect funky socks! (OMG! I have at least 20 pairs right now, but some of them now have holes in them so I'll have to replenish my stock. I started collecting socks when I was in the EDU, because I wanted to have one part on my body that I would actually like. Everytime I look down at my feet, I always smile).

3. I have been known to sing Christmas songs all year round (Even in July, right around Halloween and in the spring! I love Christmas songs! "Oh the weather outside is frightful...")

After first period, I walked around the campus for a little bit to ease some anxiety. The weather was absolutely gorgeous and warm and just delicious and I wanted to stay out there until the sun set behind the mountains. Even though the snow is going to be coming soon, it's days like those that remind me of summer and keep me hopeful.

I'm sorry to be a downer again but second semester was awful. At first I was siked to be there because the class was supposed to be Abnormal Psych. Well, somehow I had signed up for Human and Growth Development without realizing it. So, I sat down and tried to rationalize that the class still wouldn't be that bad and that I could get through it. I only wish that were so. The entire class was exactly the same as my Intro to Psych class last year. The teacher was the same, the textbook was practically the same, even the ASSIGNMENTS were all the SAME THING! I was completely shocked and immediately started freaking out! For the rest of the
period I was a nervous wreck and desperately counted down the minutes until I could leave. It was torture!

When we were finally released, I dashed to the library and tried to reconfigure a new schedule. It was not easy because a lot of the classes were closed. But I was fairly happy with my new choices.

Unfortunately the next day was just as bad. The teacher never showed up for first period and I ended up learning later on that the class had been cancelled! This was just too much for me to handle. I was completely fried and just wanted to give up. So for the third time I remade a new schedule. Right now I am waiting to see if I got accepted into some classes. If I hadn't learned how to gain some control over my ED I probably would've starved the entire day. But I am very happy to report that I did not and.....I tried something new!!!

For snack I enjoyed one of the delicious Lara Bars, Banana Bread! I had snagged this little beauty a couple of days earlier and was dying for the chance when I could eat it. I think the size is absolutely perfect for a quick, satisfying snack. The flavors blended together beautifully, with the rich sweetness of the banana and the crunchy texture of the almonds emerging in every couple of bites. I am definitely going to buy more of these!

Au Naturale

2009-01-21T07:41:00.000-08:00

I don't even want to talk about what happened yesterday for classes but I will post this later. Right now I have another topic that I want to run by you all and get your individual opinions on.

My ED has partially stemmed from a desire to be healthy, and from being deceived into believing that I was eating too much. I also have extreme body image issues. While I was in the hospital I slowly learned to overcome my fear of foods, and could eat fairly normally again. But then once I was discharged from the hospital, I began to feel anxious about my food intake once again and started to take back control. For the life of me I cannot keep weight on my frame, no matter how hard or how many times I try.

Anyways, after being discharged I began to develop new fears regarding food, which mostly took place in the form of sodium and preservatives. So I cut those out. Sometimes I find that I restrict foods because I am afraid that they will not be healthy for my body, which will in turn make me fat. This might sound very extreme but right now I am on a strict all-natural (no preservatives, no chemicals, no additives, nothing) kind of diet. I am scared to eat "normal people" foods because of their unhealthy content and the fear that they will make me fat. Also note that my family has had a history of medical problems like diabetes and heart attacks which just add more fuel to my fear.

My question to you is, is this normal? Does anyone else struggle with this? Sometimes I feel like I don't even have an eating disorder because of this new issue with food, or maybe I have a multitude of EDs which could include orthorexia on top of the anorexia. I don't know. My brain is so confused right now, and I am really tired. Can anyone help me?

Look Out! She's Gonna Blow!

2009-01-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

Hear that screeching sound? That's my brain shutting down because I am super anxious about tomorrow. Tuesday marks the first day back to school in over a month (ya gotta love college breaks) and I'm worried that I won't be able to hold my ground. School is a huge stress issue for me and demands a lot of my time, energy, and sanity at times. Not to mention the fact that I have to "up and at 'em" at the unholy hour of 6:00 in the morning.

This semester I worked a gym class into my schedule so that I wouldn't be so anxious about exercising all of the time. I know that this is just feeding this part of ED but I really can't trust myself to eat if I don't exercise. But what I'm really worried about is the fact that this is a Strengthening and Toning class, not the Circuit Training class like I wanted. I tried to get into the latter but I wouldn't have been able to take a good course load and I really just want to get my butt out of this Community College and MOVE ON!!!

Anyways, I'm afraid that all this toning and stuff is going to make me really bulky and too muscular and I won't be skinny anymore. It's kind of a stupid fear I know, but tonight when I was working out I almost broke down in tears because of my legs. They feel and look huge, and I just wish that I hadn't inherited my mother's thick ankles and big calves. And I fear that if I start to become too anxious about getting bigger that I will start restricting again.

At least I do want to get better though...somewhat.
BTW I really appreciate all of the supportive and kind comments that I have been getting. You gals are O-MAZE-ING!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack a massive cooler of food for my lunch, snack, and dinner tomorrow seeing as how I won't get home until after work.

Windy Days Really Bite

2009-01-19T16:21:00.000-08:00

I have one thing to say about today: I HATE WINDY DAYS!!! Where is the justice in the world if the sky is clear as the ocean with not a single, puffy cloud in sight and the wind gusts are so powerful that they almost knock you off of your feet!! It's not fair I tell you!!

Anyways....despite the wind I still forced myself to take my daily walk. On this particular morning I was not at all keen on the idea of walking past the neighborhoods, so I decided to walk about 2 miles around the middle school track. Due to my obessive complusive need to exercise (darn you ED!), I walk twice a day around my town for 30 minutes each. In fact, I have logged so many miles in my pair of tennis shoes (which reminds me I need a new pair) that practically everyone in this area knows me. It can really be unnerving when a total stranger comes up to me out of the blue while I am in line checking out my groceries, or working out at the rec center. The conversation usually goes like this:

Weird person: "You look really familiar, do I know you?"
A very nervous Me: "Uh...nooooo..."
Weird person: "I know where I've seen you! You walk in____all the time!"
A now sheepish Me: "Uh, yea, that's me. Always walkin', I just like to walk."
The weird person and I usually introduce ourselves, and then I am quick to disappear the next second I get.

This used to be embarrassing....now it's just annoying.

So after braving the winds, I returned home and made myself a truly delicious lunch. For some reason I have really been battling the choice to let go of my ED or to hold on to it, even though I know I am doing pretty well. I don't really want to go back to being super skeletal all the time, and I can now admit (though hesitantly) that I actually like to eat. It feels so wrong saying that though. But lunch made me feel better and helped turn my mindset around, so that was a huge positive. There are parts of me that do want to get better, just not all the way (or weigh) yet. But it's a start.

Here's todays eats!

Breakfast
2 Wheetabix biscuits
1 c Unsweeted Silk Soymilk
6 almonds
1 Fuji apple (mmm...apple)
Container of Cascade Organic Strawberry Yogurt (seriously good)

Morning Snackish
Few slices of yellow pepper
1/2 c Blueberries

Lunch
French Toast! made with
2 slices No Salt Bread
2 TB Pumpkin
Cinnamon to taste
2 TB Silk Lite Vanilla
1/2 c Eggwhites (I have officially given up on Vegan French Toast, plus I think that my ED was trying to trap me by getting me to cut out non-vegan proteins)
1 TB Peanut Butter
3/4 c Assorted Veggies
1 fuji apple

Snack
1/2c Oatmeal
1 TB Almond Butter (omg! So I decided to splurge and buy this today and wow!! This is suuuuper good! The consistency is like a soft, fluffy pillow and the taste is a delicous, nutty flavor! Wow! I may never go back to the PB again!)
1/2c Blueberries
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla

Dinner
6 oz of Tofu mixed with
1 TB of Nutritional Yeast
1/4 of a small Plum Tomato
Dried Chives to taste
3 chopped mushrooms
2 TB Low Sodium Vegetable Broth
5 Melba Toast Wheat Crackers
3/4 c Assorted Veggies
1 fuji apple

Well I'm hungry so I'm gonna eat my dinner now and then I'm going to hop on over to the rec center for a good workout. That is, they had better be open today!!

Weighed Down...by Fear

2009-01-18T14:56:00.001-08:00

Emotionally speaking, today has not been a very good day. I feel like either my ED is trying to push itself back into my life, or I want to have it back in my life. Sometimes I feel like I am purposely trying to be anorexic again because I miss having that comfort in being so skinny. This sounds crazy, I know, but I was wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this before. I know that it is terribly wrong to want to go back to being emaciated and skeletal and so painfully cold all the time, but I am just having a hard time accepting my body where it currently is right now. I'm not exactly underweight (my BMI says that I am in the 18-19) range, but for my height (I am a tall 5'9) the doctors want me to put on at least 15 pounds. Plus, I am only 10 pounds away from my weight in IP. Ugh!! This sounds absolutely ridiculous even writing it out! It's like part of me is convinced that I don't have a problem while the other part of me is arguing that I still do. I am torn between the two sides. ED vs. Me. This is absolutely maddening.

I just feel a little confused, because from what I remember for the weight that I am at right now I was skinnier before. I'm also a little more muscly because I have been working out. This is kind of my big soap-box type rant, so forgive me for complaining about it too much. So, the long and short of it, is that I am just plain scared to gain weight because I am afraid I will be even bigger than I was before.

Anyways, that's what's on my mind right now. On to the happy!

So, last night I went ice skating with a couple of my friends from church! It was a blast! Although the ice rink was in terrible shape and was overrun with little kids, I managed to stay off of my butt the entire time! There was this one close call though, where all of a sudden this girl skidded right in front of my friend. My stopped abruptly to avoid hitting the girl, but I noticed too late that I wasn't going to be able to avoid hitting her. Scared that we were both going to be knocked down like a couple of bowling pins, I grabbed her to hold us both up! For a while we teetered madly, but thankfully didn't fall over! I am so glad that I went!!

Here's my eats for the day. Bare in mind that I'm not quite ready to step out of my comfort zone just yet.

Breakfast
1 cup Vanilla Lite Soymilk
1 Wheetabix biscuit
1 cup Kashi Puffs
1 TB Peanut Butter
1 small apple

Lunch
2 Slices Alverado St. No Salt Multi-grain Bread (seriously like the best bread ever! I found this beauty when I was in my fear-of-salt stage. The texture is amazing and tastes like bread should: nutty, and soft, and good. I can taste every grain in there and the crust is the best part! Although I have tried other salted versions and have mostly conquered my fear of salt, I just can't part with this bread! It is too good!)

6 oz tofu mixed with 1 TB tomato paste and dried chives (heated on the stove)
1 small apple
3/4 cup, assorted veggies and 2 small mushrooms

Snack
6 oz Lowfat Vanilla Yogurt mixed thoroughly with 1 TB cocoa powder (I always feel guilty whenever I make this because I feel like I am eating a sweet. But it is really good. You have to try this at least once! You won't regret it!)
1/4 cup oatmeal
1 cup Kashi Puffs
1/2 TB Peanut Butter
1/2 cup blueberries
Four or five slices of yellow pepper

For dinner I'll probably have 3 oz of tempeh with some 1/4 cup of Kashi pilaf, maybe 2 TB of hummus, an assortment of veggies again (this time probably with cauliflower) and a medium sized apple. Or an orange. Whatever I'm in the mood for.

Posting this really tells me that I am not really eating enough. Yet, I still am afraid to gain weight because of the aforementioned issues. A little help would be well appreciated.
Love you all and I pray for you!!

Now I am off to take my walk, I hope the wind has at least died down....grr...

Learning to Be Stronger

2009-01-17T06:50:00.000-08:00

In light of the depressing list of things that ED has stripped away from my life, I decided to write a list of the small gains (no pun intended ha ha) that I have made through having my ED.

1. I have a better knowledge about nutrion in general and what the body needs to function properly.

2. I have learned that society has created a lot of misconceptions about food, and that at least one in every 5 people believes them.

3. I understand what components comprise a healthy nutrious meal: healthy fats, proteins, carbs, a fruit, and a veggie.

4. I am learning to work through and forgive my past, no matter how painful that journey has been.

5. I have become more diligent about exercise (although right now this one is sort of backfiring on me).

6. I am learning how to express emotions.

7. I believe that God has showed me His purpose for my life, and I want to follow this dream wholeheartedly. My plan is to eventually graduate from a University with a PhD in psychology and a background in nutrition. From there, I would like to work in a facility and help counsel girls who are struggling with anorexia.

8. I have developed a huge heart for every single girl out there who is battling the same battle that I am.

I am sure each and every one of you girls can write down at least of couple of positive achievements that you have made. Isn't it funny how even though our ED sets out to destroy us, God can still extract beauty from the broken pieces. Here's a verse today that I receive daily in my mailbox that I think directly speaks to my situation with my ED. For those of you who aren't in the faith, I pray for you anyways. Please don't think that I am trying to force my faith onto you. I'm not. You don't have to read this, it's just that my faith has been a huge part of my recovery process. Though long and hard and despite the fact that I am still in the throes of my ED, I know that I can't let go of God....because He hasn't let go of me yet.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.
~ Hebrews 12:1, NLT

Things I Hate About You

2009-01-15T16:29:00.000-08:00

1. It stole my life.

2. It ruined my relationships with my family, my closest buddies, and my relatives.

3. It has made me fear at least every type and category of food at one point or another.

4. I cannot shop for myself without constantly and fervently checking and rechecking the nutrition labels on every can, box, and bag that I pluck off of the shelves.

5. My memory has been so fried that sometimes I can't even remember what life was like before my ED or even during--I am just living in the "now" moment.

6. I have lost sight of myself. I feel as if I have to rediscover who I am and who I want to be.

7. My hands are still horribly dry and cracked, and I constantly have to reapply lotion whenever I wash my hands.

8. I have become addicted to exercise to the point where if I don't get at least an hour a day I will severely cut back on my eating. If I am able to exercise I have no problem eating. Ironically, this obsession didn't come up until after I was released from the hospital--it's just another way for my ED to hold on to me.

9. My digestive tract is seriously screwed up. Seriously.

10. It might be distortion, but I'm pretty sure that my body is bigger now (even though I am still a good 15 pounds below my target weight) than it was before when I was at the exact same weight after discharge.

11. I often have trouble socializing in groups because I won't eat the foods that are offered.

12. I have become angry, bitter, unforgiving, and hurtful at times because recovery is very difficult.

13. My college education has been put on hold for a while and my ED has caused me to spend almost 3 years in a 2 year community college--I don't know when or if I'll ever get to transfer to a university to start working on my degree.

14. It ruined my relationship with GOD!!

15. I am afraid to eat anything that I don't approve of.

16. I used to be a very talented, very skilled and very smart student, but now I have problems thinking straight and getting good grades.

17. I am confused all the time about where I want to be.

18. Sometimes I feel like I am purposely holding on to my ED so that I still have a problem, because I am not quite ready to let go of it yet.

19. Consistently meeting with my dietican drained my bank account so severly I was almost broke. AND I still found myself slipping backwards, besides.

20. It has made me thorougly despise my body.

21. I might be infertile.

22. I am afraid to reach my goal weight, or rather the weight at which I will be completely healthy.

23. I still have a long way to go.

French Toast Flop

2009-01-07T14:49:00.000-08:00

Recently I have been trying to reconform my eating habits to adopt a more vegetarian lifestyle. Usually I subsist off of egg whites, some chicken, and fish for protein, but I have been really wanting to cut out the egg whites. So, the other day I decided to try my hand at baking the perfect, healthy dish for lunch: Vegan French Toast. After laborously pouring over the internet, searching for variations on this delicious meal, I finally hashed together my own recipe based on what I had read.

Downstairs in the kitchen I was elated, and quickly set to work compiling the ingredients and cooking utensils that I would need. Using extreme care, I measured out each ingredient to the letter, and poured them inside my totally cute mini food processor. My recipe included something along the lines of 1/2 c vanilla soymilk, 2 tsp pumpkin puree(one of my addictions), 1/4 tsp cinnamon, and 3 oz of tofu. With a few short pulses the ingredients were quickly blended down into a thicky, creamy paste and I nervously dipped my first piece of bread into the batter and threw it on the hot frying pan. The result: a complete disaster.

I don't know about others' experiences in making French Toast, sans eggs, but the second that the batter-coated bread hit the pan it did the unthinkable.

It bounced.
I am not even kidding.

As if the thing were possessed by jumping beans, that one slice of bread danced around the pan, spitting and sputtering angrily, sending droplets of hot batter flying. No matter what I did, it refused to settle down even when I yanked the dial on the stovetop to reduce the heat. Considering that I was on a strict time limit, I was horrified and did everything imaginable to try and salvage my lunch. Only minutes later I relunctantly accepted the fact that my lunch was inevitably doomed, and would have to retire down the garbage disposal.
In a panic, I remade the recipe, this time nixing the tofu, and tried again. Although this time the bread didn't exactly bounce around like it had before, the batter never fully cooked through and left me with an extremely unappetizing soggy mess.

That would be the second funeral today.

At this point I was starving, the clock was furiously ticking away the minutes, and I was mostly out of ingredients. With an angry cry I threw up my hands in defeat and whipped together the batter using the one ingredient I had been desperately trying to avoid: egg whites. I am so ashamed. Ironically, this final attempt yielded 2 perfectly crisp, cooked pieces of French Toast.

Yet, I was unsatisfied because of my failure.
Where oh where did I go wrong?

Oh the Irony

2009-01-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

Even though I was absolutely, positively, most definitely, one hundred percent committed to faithfully continuing this blog, alas, my attention has waivered. I don't know exactly why I become so anxious whenever I write, but the moment I begin typing an overwhelming feeling of intimidation descends upon me. That's right. I am afraid to write. Terrified in fact--which is absolutely ridiculous considering the fact that I am actually [said] to be very talented. I suppose I am just fearful of being met smack in the face with the looming wall of writer's block, uncertainty, you name it.

For the life of me I can never figure out what to write when I actually need to write something. It's maddening I tell you!! Absolutely maddening, especially when I am expected to crank out some 5 plus pages by sunrise the following morning. Yet, still I persevere. Upon realizing that honing my gift of writing takes some actual TIME I am forcing myself to write something at least every day. So, If I have any followers, which of yet I doubt I do, bare with me. Getting this blog to even get off the landing pad, let alone navigate the skies, is going to take some work.

Thankful Thursdays

2008-11-20T14:31:00.000-08:00

Yes! I have successfully made it to my SECOND Thursday of Thankfulness. Honestly, I never even thought that I would make it past week one, but I am actually really excited to continue this blog.

So, without further adieu...(is that spelled right?)

I am thankful..

1. For gloves and lotion because my hands are freezing and really dry right now.

2. That God enabled mi padre and I to make up.

3. That I was able to destress from a very stressful (STRESSFUL!!!) and sleepless week.

4. That I have more time to study for my test.

5. That I am healthier than I was last year and am still pushing forward. (mostly in reflection of the very cold day and how last year I would NOT have been able to withstand such cold temperatures).

Monday Blues

2008-11-17T16:53:00.000-08:00

As Garfield says, "I hate Mondays." They never seem to start off on the right foot, they last twice as long as any normal day, and are a depressing reminder that you still have to slog through the entire week unti you are able to have some down-time. So, how about kicking old Monday-blues to the curb with an inspiring verse that is sure to lift your spirits! Give you worries to God today!

"Hope Now" by Addison Road

If everything comes down to love,
Then just what am I afraid of?
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours.

[Pre-Chorus]
I'm not my own.
I've been carried by You
All my life.

[Chorus]
Everything rides on hope now,
Everything rides faith somehow.
When the world has broken me down,
Your love sets me free.

When my life is like a storm,
Rising waters all I want is the shore,
You say I'll be ok and,
Make it through the rain.
You are my shelter from the storm.

[Chorus 2]
Everything rides on hope now,
Everything rides faith somehow.
When the world has broken me down,
Your love sets me free.
You've become my hearts desire.
I will sing Your praises higher,
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free.

I hope that this amazing song brought encouragement to your life today and that God will continue to help you through the storms.

I cried out to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy mountain.
~ Psalm 3:4, NLT

TGIF!

2008-11-14T14:41:00.000-08:00

Glory-be and Halleluja!!! I finally finished my essay!!! It only took forever to write but I'm fairly satisfied with the final product. Right now I am enjoying some well-deserved down time. Here's a little blurb to give you a taste:

"At first, the viewer is fooled by the upbeat and positive nature of the opening notes, but then all thoughts of happiness are left behind as the music quickly plunges into dark major and minor chords. In other scenes, the music is used to fill in spaces, not merely as “fluff”, but rather to provide action where there are no words and time is passing in quick succession."

Delicious, no?

Thankful Thursdays

2008-11-13T14:38:00.000-08:00

In an effort to find the joys in life rather than constantly focusing on the negatives, I have decided to devote Thursdays as a time for thankfulness.

Hmm...let's see...need to establish some ground rules
*You can't repeat things *Every entry has to be meaningful in some way *You have to list something that has specifically happened to you TODAY *You must list 5 things you are thankful for--no exceptions

I am thankful...

1. For the gorgeous sun outside right now (despite the evil wind) because it is warm and comforting and preserves my sanity just a little bit longer. FYI--the winter is my MORTAL ENEMY!!!

2. MY PAYCHECK!! WOO HOO!!!

3. The fact that my professor is allowing me to email my essay to him because my brain had shut down yesterday and I was running on very little sleep.

4. That my brother is kind enough to drive me to work when I don't have transportation.

5. I didn't get blown away while I was on my walk. (hey, I'm serious!!) Oh!! And that my hair didn't get all mussed up by the wind.

Your turn!

Whoa.

2008-11-12T11:07:00.001-08:00

So I pretty much have decided that I have one of like the BEST jobs on the entire face of the planet!!!! (Well, the pay could be a little better but I am slowly learning to be content with what I have).
What I love most about it is the randomness. Every single day (and I am not kidding) is completely different, never the same. It's like drawing a card out of a deck--I never know what I'm going to get. I like to call my work days, adventures.

Yesterday I had the brilliant task of cleaning pee off of the toilet (no I am not a janitor, I just take care of kids in an afterschool program for a few hours). You can imagine that I was truly delighted. When I went to inspect this catastrophe, I wasn't expecting anything big, but when I saw the mess I recoiled in shock. Now, I am not talking a few little droplets of pee here and there but actual PEE!! on the SEAT!!.....EVERYWHERE!!! It was as if the kid had on a blindfold or something while he was doing his business. It was really disgusting and I wrapped my hand in like a million sheets of toilet paper to clean it off. Then I immersed my hands in scalding water, lathered them in soap and drowned them in Hand Sanitizer.

Crisis averted.

I wonder what adventure I'll have today....